Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I've had so much to write about. Questions to ask you. (But haven't. You might have noticed).

I wanted to ask you things like: How many days without a bowel movement does it take to raise your OBGYN's eyebrows? (Am still unsure, but I do know that six is NOT the answer.)

Or, how long can you survive in the 105 degree desert drinking only two cans of Sprite a day? (Approximately 6 weeks, if you don't go outside. If you go outside, you immediately become light-headed, your vision goes dark, and you feel as though you will lose consciousness.)

Or, did you ever vomit with such force that your eyes swelled shut, your face was covered in red spots for week, you puked blood, and the skin above your eyes actually tore open and bled? (Two weeks ago tonight).

But see, as I'd begin to write,  I'd remember how I'd linked my blog to my Facebook profile; and then I'd think, what if that I guy I never really knew, who sat behind me in 10th grade geometry, but has befriended me here on the internets, reads this stuff?

Really. It seems, as the young folks say: TMI.

And then I thought, does anybody want to hear it? Well, told myself, maybe, if I made it funny. So I set out to make it funny. But, it turns out, that while in the midst of it all, I couldn't find much humor.

I was in a dark place.

(My bedroom, with the blinds closed.)

I've been in the house for over two months. 

I've developed a tiny and impermanent case of agoraphobia.

In the meantime, my children have become unkempt and feral, eating cereal in the family room, fighting, dressing like they don't have mother, scarfing green jello at all hours (my jello), and playing the wii until their eyeballs dry up. (Sam's blonde 'fro has grown large, unwieldy, and strangely, even more beautiful than ever before during my seclusion. Is a wonder to behold.)

It is a wee bit like Lord of the Flies over here. 

Lately, though, there have been indicators that I am perhaps reaching an end to my woe. First, I ate fruit salad last Sunday for dinner. And I never saw it again! Then, I decided I could not look at another carbonated beverage, and drank THREE WHOLE BOTTLES OF WATER in one day (tap water still tastes like a rotten fish/dirt/penny cocktail), and kept nearly all of it down! 

In addition to my fear of TMI, I've other reasons for avoiding the internets. 

I've been doing stuff. 

We are heading out on a Church history trip (Boston, Sharon, VT, Palmyra, Kirtland) next week, and I forgot to clean my house, or shop for groceries since mid-July. And we are leaving kids at home with a sitter. This home. The one that is super messy and smells bad. Plus, I have exactly 1 pair of pants that fit me (and exactly zero brassieres). Oh, and we are moving! In a few weeks! (Just a few miles away, to Gilbert. Power and Baseline-ish, in case you care.) Which is thrilling, but since Jake and I are sort of pack rats, and we've lived here in this casa 8 whole years, we need to start cleaning. But instead I lie in the tub and read. (Approximately 3 linear feet of books in the last two months.)

Anyhow, I think I'll stop now. Is enough TMI for one day?

(It shall have to be. Is time to drive through the Taco Bell, so the kids will not ransack the kitchen while scavenging for scraps of meat. Plus, nothing says I love you like Nachos Bell Grande.)


Barbaloot said...

So glad to see you on here again:) Do you know what kind of child you're growing yet?

I used to live on Baseline road! Um...close to the airport. I have no idea where that is in relation to Power---I was never good at directions, especially down there. But I do know I had to get off Power to visit my brother. That's something, right?

Have fun on your church history tour!

erin said...

Yay for the new post!

So, you're moving closer to your mom and dad? Nice! Is the new house close enough for the kids to walk over and see the grandparents when you need a break?

Glad you're starting to feel a little better :)

CassiB said...

so sorry to hear you have been so ill. it's amazing what we go through to have these little people isn't it? my sis just put an offer on a house in that area. hope you get back to a life outside your house soon. temp is going down then up, but it will stay down soon! yay!! maybe that will help?

Lisa said...

You're eyes bled?! That practically qualifies you for sainthood!

I hope you are feeling better soon. Pregnancy is mean, horrible, rotten and I intend to have a word with God after I die about why he chose to punish us women with this? Adam ate the apple too! What'd he get? A non-stop libido?! Wow...so tough!

Shellie said...

oh honey I'm so sorry! all of that... ALL of it just sounds horrible!

Brett and Shireen said...

I'm glad you are back! Really rough stuff going on at your place, glad you get to leave and go on the church history tour with the fam. Will have to call you to catch up on what you've been reading (even though your eyes were bleeding). Seriously, your pregnancies are rough business.

damselinthisdress said...

Yay! You are back on the bloghorse. I rely on you to keep me entertained.

. . . Dallas Meow . . . . said...

we've been a feral household for years, and I say there is no such thing as too much information.

acte gratuit said...

Very glad to hear from you again. I should leave a long witty comment to celebrate, but instead I must find a way to have some Nachos Bell Grande delivered post haste.


And now back to the couch for me.

LeAnn said...

Hmm, when I was pregnant and lived in Phoenix the tap water tasted like moldy bleach. Of course, I thought the tap water tasted that way when I wasn't pregnant either.

I'm glad you're starting to feel a little bit better.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Yes to the throwing up so hard I ripped open a blood vessel in my neck but no to the eyelid things. I'm so sorry! (This was hilarious, btw.)

Hailey said...

Wow, I'm glad I read this before actually going through with that 5th kid thing.

Also, if (most likely when) we move to AZ next year, can we be friends? (I will need it in writing.)

Dior said...

UMM HELLO, Why didn't you tell us this stuff at book club where are you moving too??? In our Mom's neighborhood?? I am sorry your eyes tore open and bled. I think that might possibly be the WORST thing I have ever heard and you have my utmost sympathy. You looked good at book club not sick.

Audra said...

Hi! New reader here. Just wanted to point out that my mother, while pregnant with me, vomited so hard that she ruptured TWO discs in her back and had surgery when she was four months pregnant with me.

Hope you feel better soon!

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

Oh my goodness!!!!!!!!! Pregnancy SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! I love how you explain it. In a little while when I'm in your shoes I'll come and read this again and then I won't feel so bad. :)