J: Is that Twilight movie tonight?
K: Yes, remember when I told u that, last night?
J: Do you want me to go to the dollar store and get u a TEAM JACOB shirt?
J: Why not?
K: I'm TEAM EDWARD.
J: (LONG PAUSE.) That's very awkward, considering...
K: (ANOTHER LONG PAUSE.)
I never thought of it that way.
Team Jacob, then.
So if you see a three-month-postpartum lady at the Chandler Mall Harkins tonight at the 7 pm showing of Eclipse, who has fabulously large Flashdance hair (got my hair cut short and now it is really curly, and who has time for straightening irons this summer?), is eating red velvet cupcakes her friend Shireen snuck in inside her purse, and is wearing an ill-fitting I HEART JACOB t-shirt stretched over her lactating breasts (Jake always gets me small or medium-sized clothing. I think this is a compliment. Like in his mind's eye, I am skinny? Or maybe in his mind's eye, I am wearing a tight t-shirt?), you should know she isn't really rooting for the wolf-boy.
You should also look for a straight-haired woman without a t-shirt, in case I get time for fancy hair and Jake doesn't have time for the dollar store.
Or maybe you should look for a lady wearing the gorilla mask that Jake bought to scare little kids coming to get candy on Halloween? Gorillas are like wolves, right? Then I wouldn't have to brush my hair at all.
Or I could wear those vampire teeth Tommy got at the Chuck E. Cheese?
You should say hi, when you see that lady.
The rest of you, who are judging me for going to see Twilight, can just remember that I am getting cupcakes, with cream cheese frosting, maybe, a new shirt, and three hours away from my kids on a Tuesday night. And I didn't even have to stay up til midnight.
Are you in? You got a shirt? A gorilla mask? Curly hair? Husband named Edward? Long incisors?