Saturday, January 30, 2010

So, what CAN'T he do?

So my three-and-a half-year-old, Tom, has started telling me all the stuff he can do that the new baby will be quite unable to achieve. I think he's trying to remind us both that Beeson Boy 3.0 has clearly got skillz-slash-hit his stride. Not only that, he asserts the (yet unnamed) 4.0 version, coming out the end of March, is clearly an inferior product, obviously no upgrade, and so I should totally think twice about replacing the old one. (Not a direct quote.)

Tom will be playing outside, and climb straight up a block wall. Mom, look!, he waves, from about 10 feet off the ground, The new baby can't do this! Or as he does laps of the cul-de-sac on his two-wheeler at approximately 50 mph, he'll slow down just long enough to yell: you know, that new baby is gonna need training wheels!

He reminds me that the new baby can't use the potty, snap his own pants, run fast like a superhero, brush his own teeth, or go to primary. (I didn't think it was the right time to comment on his poor oral hygiene or the fact that instead of attending his class, he prefers to spend the third hour of church with both his arms wrapped tightly around my left thigh, deep under my dress. (For those of you who joined us in the middle here, we are talking about Tom, not Jake.) And since I don't own any dress flats, and I am already just barely staying vertical with my giant belly, tall boots, and big primary-lady bag, there is a real question as to whether we are going to end up sprawled across the foyer carpet (not hygienic), me with my one attractive black taffeta maternity dress up around my waist, my ample, panty-hosed bottom in the air.)

(Please say the word panty-hosed with 4 syllables. It is more enjoyable and Shakespearean that-a way).

But yesterday, while we were driving all over town, trying to buy all the bits and pieces of hardware and fabric that go into making my bedroom drapes, returning all the bits and pieces I bought the day before that totally didn't work at all (what was I thinking?), Tom asked me: You know what the baby can't do?

And then he proceeded to hum the theme song to Beverly Hills Cop.
(aka Axel F, aka something the kids call Crazy Frog.)

Tommy, I said, true 'nuf. This baby will be hard pressed to do that.

(I put it on my player over there, in case you haven't heard it since 1984.)


Jadyn said...

Ha ha ha, how cute! I'm so excited for oyu, and I hope that your new baby will surely be able to do many "things" that Tommy can do. :)

Brett and Shireen said...

I can totally picture your panty-hosed bottom on the foyer floor. And I can't stop laughing.

I should have upgraded my 1.0 for sure - the one we have has a new defect - yelling "I wants" at the top of her lungs. Is there a warranty on these things?

Jennifer Babbitt said...

I am a little excited that he knows that song. It brings back so many memories for me - neon pink parachute pants, ruber bracelets, and most of all UNICORNS. Thank you for that.

As for Tom, I'm going to say

Tom, Tom, he's our man.......
that baby is just a baby

Hey, Rand. just set up a blog. He posted some stuff that is quite hilarious!

Good to see you

wonder woman said...

This is hilarious. My boys haven't even considered things the baby will or will not be able to do. Maybe I should prep them a bit?

Amber said...

That is so funny! None of my kids acted that way, but I would have enjoyed what they came up with if they had. And when you described teetering in your boots with a 3 year old under your skirt I flashed back to my last pregnancy when the same thing happened to me every Sunday. Except my son was 7! Good Times!

Claire said...


You know he's right though... right?