Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I hate my treadmill. But I love cookies.

So, hello there friends!

It seems like forever since I've been here. That's because time goes very slow when you're not eating cookies. See, to you it probly feels like no time at all has elapsed. You've got a cookie in your fist right now, dontcha? It's peanut butter, isn't it?

So, yeah, it's still Lent, so I'm cookie-free. Except one time, I accidentally ate like half a sleeve of oreos before Jake was like: Hey, aren't those cookies? And I was like, oh yeah, I guess they are. I mean, they are cookies in the way chocolate chips are chocolate. But then I stopped eating the alleged "cookies", and I've been clean ever since.

And since Rice Krispie Treats are clearly TREATS (is in the title), I don't have to tell you about the pan of those I tucked into last night (was lucky myfitnesspal allowed me to enter in my consumption in fractions of the whole pan instead of silly squares. Who has time to count that high?) But really, in general, I have been eating stuff like spinach smoothies and protein treats (not real treats, and definitely not cookies), consuming a measly 1400 calories per day, and riding my treadmill like it was a wild stallion in need of breaking.

That simile was super creepy.

Anyhow, so now's the part when I should tell you that with self-control and hard work, I have achieved FITNESS and baggy pants. But I haven't! I have lost 1 POUND. And even that is questionable. Could be hormones or dehydration. Seriously, people. I got on the treadmill. I watched the Today show like 30 times. (Don't want to ruin shows I actually like with exercise). Was a little like hell.

Fine. I will admit that although I am not any smaller, I do feel like I am a little bit less flobby. Which is helpful when wearing knit maxi dresses, but does not help with my pants that feel like prisons. The bright side, of course, is that it is 85 degrees outside, where I can frolic in knit dresses, the warm sun on my face, and tuck all the offending pants away on my highest closet shelf (need a ladder to access this shelf), safe from view until November.

(Except for Women's Conference in April. Because stupid, cold Utah requires pants. Goodness. Does nothing ever change? I was wrestling with these same stupid pants last year. No, I didn't get new pants. Why should I? I know better than to wear skinny jeans. When this whole skinny jean madness is over, I'll buy new pants.)

Anyhow, we're all good. Jane turned 11, Joey 2. Ross went repelling, Sam is a Bear Scout. Tommy wows us daily with feats of strength, skill, and coolness some of the rest of us lack. Jake decided to keep the 77 Land Cruiser, which is in a bazillion pieces, and restore it. He took the body in to paint it: sky blue. To match my eyes. Nah, to math his eyes. Okay, I don't think anybody's eye color was really a factor in his decision making. My sister is having a baby on Thursday, and I can't wait to get my paws on him. I reminded Jake that we met 20 years ago, on March 14, 1992. (I reminded him on March 22.) We headed down to southern Arizona for Spring Break: Bisbee, Tombstone, and Kartchner Caverns. Was a good time. Photos next time? I planted my garden. 16 tomato plants, plus lots of peppers, squash and zucchini. Okay only 2 squash and zucchini, but is lots. You know how it is. There is only so much zucchini bread a lady can eat.

Okay, tell me some dieting horror stories to cheer me up. Or tell me what I'm doing wrong. (Besides the Rice Krispie Treats.)

8 comments:

Brittany said...

do P90X. and the meal plan. that is all I have to say. Except that you make me laugh.

Beeswax said...

See, this is constructive advice. And I will have to watch the video instead of the Today show, right? And you can personally guarantee that Matt Lauer will not be in it?

Kari said...

It's not just cookies--all sugar's gotta go. One week without any (processed sugar) and I lost nearly three inches around my waist. (Could not stick to it--I loves the sugar oh, so much, but it got the ball rolling in the right direction.

And I'll second the P90X--it will kick your tushie in ways you didn't know it could be kicked. And not in a nice way.

Or, for those who aren't into the pain thing, the Bill Phillips' Body For Life (the lesser/earlier version of P90X) that I've done many times and love. Good thoughts for eating--includes a free day that isn't just kidding, but really, truly free. Get the book and read--it makes good sense. (I'd be doing that again to ready for summer, except the husband lost his marbles and got the P90X thing and I'm being forced against my will to kill myself every morning. Growling at hubs, optional.)

Tami said...

I was doing My Fitness Pal too...but it's too easy to cheat, even though I know no one else is looking at it! I would eat a whole sleeve of Oreos and mark it down as a single serving, then wonder what I was doing wrong? I think when it said I had eaten 1400calories, I was probably up to around 3000. Forget about giving up sugar--I can't even do that for a day without being seriously cranky! I am doing a bootcamp twice a week that is helping--but seriously need something for the other 3 days because 2 days a week isn't cutting any inches off! I will see you at Women's Conference, and my pants will be unzipped half the day because they don't fit either. Long shirts, Kelly, long shirts. P.S. You are always gorgeous, and you always look so classy and cute! Don't beat yourself up!

acte gratuit said...

I'm right in the same boat. I feel like I'm eating pretty darn good, exercising a few times a week (compared to my former schedule of NEVER) and I HAVEN'T LOST A SINGLE POUND!
Extremely annoying. I told my husband I was going to quit trying and instead just start wearing tube tops and greasing my belly. (Ya know...to make it shine pretty in the sun!)

Good to know I'm not the only one shunning skinny jeans and resorting to Maxi dresses!

Have fun at Women's Conf.! But make your next trip to Carlsbad. I'll meet you at VG's!

acte gratuit said...

Doug just sent me this Dr. Oz article that will surely solve all of my weight problems and melt away my muffin top.

Evidently the tube top threat really scared him!

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/5-fat-busters-5-body-types

Beeswax said...

Ok, so after Brittany and Kari told me p90x is the way to go, I immediately went over and borrowed it from Jen ( she won't be needing it this week, what with the csection), because I always do whatever people on the Internet tell me to do;) I've been staring at it pretty hard for two days now, reading the nutrition guide while eating an entire box of Swiss cake rolls. We'll see, I guess.

Tami and Emily, glad to hear I'm not alone, plus you both have such good ideas ( long shirts, or tube shirts with oiled belly), for concealing and/or decorating the offending flab.

And Emily, I'm pretty sure if Jake sent me that email, he'd be sleeping on the couch.

Amber said...

I did a 1200 calorie a day diet for 2.5 weeks and only lost 1 pound--that is hell.

I feel your pain, because I, too, am wearing tight pants right now.