Friday, February 12, 2010

The one in which I attempt to be one of those lifestyle bloggers.

So you know the beautiful blogs? With all the pictures that make you salivate and wonder how other people's lives can be so lovely and perfect all the time?

I was thinking: I can totally do that. Is cinchy.

So here goes.

Yesterday I awoke early, and after my morning 5k (down from 10k, since I'm 8 months along. Being pregnant is so easy and fun) and bowl of muesli that I made at home with high protein Turkish oats, I looked around my spotless house, glanced in the mirror at my unreasonably perfect hair and thought, hey, I have some time to whip up a batch of tangelo marmalade. Marmalade is SOOO simple and easy to make, especially since I happen to have a bumper crop of fruit growing in my own personal citrus orchard on the side of my house.

(It is essential for every woman to grow all of her own food. If she doesn't, it is pretty much the same as purposely poisoning her children with pesticides, probably damaging her daughters' eggs whilst they are still in her tiny ovaries, and thus making her grandchildren dumber than they really need to be. (I am not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just saying that everything in the grocery store might kill you. And you should go to jail if you feed it to your family.)

So I plucked the dewy, ripe fruit from the tree, feeling not unlike Eve in the garden,except you know, for no guilt, and the robe instead of the nudie, then flew inside my (super clean, you'll remember) kitchen, donned that apron that I whipped up on Tuesday (I'll post the how-to here later, but it is very difficult, you won't be able to do it, it will only make you feel bad and inferior, so there is really no hurry, right-o?), and cranked out a batch of marmalade before Tom even noticed. Then I read him stories for approximately 2.4 hours, put him down for a nap and re-read the Pulitzer-prize-winning social history I chose for book club this month: A Midwife's Tale.

Just as I was finishing up page 400, the kids tiptoed into the house waving their straight-A report cards, and were quiet as mice while working on their Valentines (I had arranged all the craft supplies on the kitchen table before they arrived. Then they whispered to each other for like an hour: I love YOU, Jane. No, I love YOU, Sam!), while I took a well-deserved nap before a grueling night of spinach dip and gossip, and high-brow intellectual discussion, with my book club girls.

The end.

How did I do?

Cause I had to go outside in my robe and climb the swing set (that will teach those golfers to hit over near the canal, they probly wanna poke their eyes out) to take that picture of my tangelo tree. And it was hard to move all the crud around in the kitchen to get that picture of the marmalade/book. See what happened when I zoomed out?

And you can't even see the mess on the kitchen table left from the Valentine-making. I'm not that good a photographer. Yet.

And who knows why I decided marmalade would be a good project for the morning? Cause I didn't finish re-reading the book club book. But it was okay, cause nobody else read it all the way through (although Melanie gets a gold star for pushing through the first chapter on medicinal herbs used in post-revolutionary Maine, to get to the juicy stuff like rape, murder-suicide, and bastardy), so I still seemed like I knew what I was talking about. Which is the most important part. Anyone actually enjoying the book is a tertiary consideration.

I guess I could blame the marmalading on nesting, but you've seen the kitchen. It doesn't look very nesty. Just nasty. Really, what happened is my neighbor asked me if I'd ever tried making marmalade, cause she has a couple trees as well, (I have a tangelo and a navel) and I started get post-traumatic-stress flashbacks from that time when the sugar shot out of the pot like bullets and I burned the whole mess black. You can read about it here. I have no kitchen secrets.

So anyhow, I took her question as a challenge. Was I going to let the fruit win? Or was I going to dominate it, as is my right as the used-to-be-medium-foxy (and perhaps will be again in like 1.5 years) steward of the earth that I am?

Well, you saw the photos. The marmalade is not black. I spread those tangelos on my toast so fast, they didn't know what digested them.

And the victory was sweet. (But also a little bitter, cause of the rind. Which is how it is supposed to taste.)

Now I am going to get dressed, clean my kitchen, make pies for Church Valentine's dance party tonight, and probly leave the mess to clean up for tomorrow. I'm not sure I'll be dancing, unless I wear my support hose. Is very sexy and romantic, like the card I got Jake. (Don't worry, he won't see it before Sunday. He doesn't read my blog unless I tell him I've written inappropriate/potentially embarrassing things about him):

The nap was fictitious. And since I got home a la one a.m., I am pretty groggy.
And if you know me at all, you know there was no running.
And I don't know if they grow oats in Turkey.
And Jane and Sam loathe each other. Jane kicked out one of Sam's teeth last month. Luckily, it was already loose.
Oh, and Ross really did bring home a straight-A report card. He finally ran out of novels to read in class.

P.S. again. I hope nobody is offended. I LIKE food blogs, and looking at crafty things that you can make and I can't keeps me humble. Thanks for that.


Jennifer Babbitt said...

I just heard a hearty laugh come out from myself. Gracias.

I am an obsessive cleaner and wear an apron and live in an orchard of tangelos. I can't stop laughing because you made it sound super glamorous!!!

I hope you are feeling very non-itchy!!!

Brett and Shireen said...

You are hilarious.

And I read the whole book.

And I want some marmelade someday. I'll even bring my own toast.

Kerri said...

Yeah. That was funny. I especially loved your font change.

I don't, however, love that you actually made marmalade because that makes me feel guilty. I did run a 5K, so that makes me feel all self-righteous.

Morgan -Ing said...

This made me giggle. Mostly because my life leans more on the "real" side of things as well. :)

Melissa Bastow said...

But you actually MADE marmalade. And you're IN a book club. And you climbed a swing set being 8 months pregnant. And you wrote a fabulously hilarious paragraph about ruining our daughters' little eggs. So basically your life is still better than mine, even though my kitchen makes your kitchen look like it's just a wannabe mess.

cally said...

You are so funny.

Claire said...

Hahaha.... So funny...

(Shh... i have an old missionary companion who keeps a blog like this. Pfft. But I know she kissed the elders. Makes me feel superior.)

Bryn said...

Loved this post! It was so fun, because those times when I've felt all too inferior reading about others is all too often and real! I have read "A Midwife's Tale" before though. In fact I picked it for my book club several years ago against their wishes and they never let me forget it. I loved it when I read it because I felt like I could relate to this woman who had so many interests and such independence even in the era when you don't think women were like that!
I sent your "Larry" post to my Primary President and she loved it!

Bee said...

Eau de dog butt. Sorry to seize on that, with so many other humorous delicacies to choose from, but I've spent an entire afternoon watching dogs sniff each other's butts.

Impressed about the marmalade! I do think that makes you a medium-foxy (and much younger) Martha Stewart.

Natalie said...

wow, i'm sitting in the rare snow in atlanta and those pictures of marmalade in the sunshine look so Arizona. I'm dying to get back!

amygrowcock said...

OmGosh! I laughed so hard that I had to read it out loud to my husband (who not being a woman) clearly didn't appreciated it as much as i did! Thank you for always being real!

La Yen said...

Awe.Some. I would totally buy your magazine.

b. said...

Like. Like.
A thousand times...LIKE!

TheOneTrueSue said...

I had to look up Tangelo.

Hannah said...

You are hilarious. Loved this post.

andrea said...

This is the funniest post I've read in a long time! I may have to link to it and share it. :)

Shellie said...

a big hearty laugh from me too!!!

lol lol

you are so awesome. Its so true... I feel just like this.

Shellie said...

just read it again cause it made me laugh so hard the first time.

skcoe said...

Um, I love you. I don't know you...and I don't even know that I'm a friend of a friend or ANYTHING remotely CLOSE to it, but you are HILARIOUS and just made my day. The zoomed out marmalade picture is LITERALLY how my life feels 24/7.

Thanks for the laugh...

skcoe (hopped over here from Seriously Shellie's blog)

Dale said...

Oh my goodness I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I heard about this story from a mutual friend Julee, she said you were so funny and that I just had to read this entry! She was right thanks for keeping it real! You are so hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!