Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I just remembered I'm going to have a baby.

So yesterday morning I sat in my bed and ate my box of Valentine chocolate until I felt pretty sick. So then I thought, I should stop eating chocolate, or I might throw up. (Is very real concern, as of late.) So then I ate some heart shaped sugar cookies. Medicinally, of course. To my great surprise, I didn't feel better. I don't get it. (I need to go practice looking mystified in the mirror, for when I get on the doctor's scale tomorrow.)

So then, I got in the tub, and lay very still. This sometimes makes me miraculously healthy and well about the belly. Pretty soon, the baby started jumping around, and water was sloshing all over the tub. It was sort of creepy. But it made me think, wait a second: there is a real baby in there, with a mind of his own! And he is coming out soon.

I mean, I almost never forget I am pregnant, but I totally forgot I'm going to have a real, live baby, in like, a month.

He is going to want something to wear, something to poop in, a place to sleep! He is going to look to me, his mother, to procure and arrange these things! And if I forget to prepare them, he is going to feel very unwelcome! (He IS welcome. Please come out, baby.)

So yesterday I got out all my infant boy clothes, plus the ones from cousin Charlie, who was very well dressed, terribly stylish and couture. Turns out there are way too many clothes. This is what happens when you have lots of kids, and your peers in your age cohort stop having kids: you get lots of fabby hand-me-downs. I'm not talking about old light-up Winnie the Pooh sandals from Wal-Mart, with the tread all worn down on one side, cause the original owner was bow-legged, neitha.

Plus, when you've had lots of kids, you don't much want to dress them up like you did your black Cabbage Patch Kid from 1980-something that you named Diana Ross. Sure, you spent hours putting corn rows in her hair, unbelievably small designer jeans on her bum, and tiny running shoes on her feet. You did that for a couple of real live kids, too (minus the corn rows. Your kids were baldy). You don't find those size 2 Nikes so cute and ironic when the 3 month old has kicked one off somewhere in the bowels of Costco, and you feel you should retrieve it, cause you spent 30 bucks on the them. Now, white onesies and those socks that have cowboy boots printed on them have become church clothes. Sometimes the white onesies have faux neckties sewn to the front. it doesn't much matter what they wear, because you keep them swaddled up tight like a rolled taco from Filiberto's, in the hope they will fall asleep. It will likely be 90 degrees by mid-March, so I worry more about heat rash than keeping the infant warm.

I've got cribs and bassinets and strollers. Don't try to tell me I need something to strap the baby to my front or my back. Cause I don't like them things! You can't make me wear one! I am old, and I know what I like. I will just carry the baby around in my arms, like some sort of old-timey cavewoman, and I won't ever do the dishes. Is nothing new.

Now I just need the baby to come out (like 3 weeks hence would be nice. I don't want any undercooked lungs.) Cause what I could really use is some sleep. (Yes, I think I will get more sleep after the baby is born. Is bad news. Am muy cranky.)

P.S. I hate science fairs. We've got assorted cheeses on the window sill that refuse to grow mold, someone counting unpopped popcorn kernals at all hours (house smells like fake butter all the day long), and another child who would rather play wobot wars (lego mindstorm), than figure out about why some metals are magnetic.

I can't do this on 3 hours of sleep.

10 comments:

CASSIE said...

You're so hilarious! I LOVE reading your blog! I can't believe it's here already! It {hit} me about then to...what I am talking about...I was still in denial the day of...{probably why we barely made it to the hospital in time}. Are you sure you aren't getting more sleep now than with a newborn? I am DYING! I feel like a 450 lb burly man is sleeping in the bassinet next to me-- she is sooo LOUD and is up to get the chichi every 2.5 hours! Can't wait to hear how things go!

the fowlers said...

Ironically, I just finished writing a post about how I can't forget that I'm pregnant (but some people seem to think I have).However, when I had about a month left I think I was forgetting I was pregnant. Only for a few seconds, of course, but it happened.

Oh, and here's something I learned: if you get good enough at the shocked face when they weigh you, you might be able to get the nurse to take off a pound or so - for your shoes, of course. ;)

Morgan -Ing said...

So, for Oliver, (who was an April baby in Vegas) we used to swaddle him in just a onesie and a receiving blanket, and then wrap an ice pack (Like the kind of sports injuries that are soft) in another receiving blanket and lay it on top of him. Worked like a charm to keep the 100 degree heat away from him. :)

Claire said...

You make me glad to not be pregnant. You make me sad for not living somewhere hot. You make me jealous for having nice chocs to eat from Valentine's Day. You make me laugh, cos your blog is flippin' hilarious.. :)

andrus_heather said...

I.Love.You. Science fair, ugh. We got a no-go on the project to see what liquids cause a nail to rust...but a go-ahead on how adding weight (in the form of dimes) to nerf darts affects how far they goes. (???) And so funny about the faux tie onesies! Only, am still debating about trying for a 4th boy (as I have three and one girl, like you once did). Would be nice to donate strollers, swings, and junk. But can't. ugh.

Wonder Woman said...

This last week it's really set in for me, too. Whoa. There's gonna be a baby. And a BIRTH. And nursing. And newborn diapers. I need desitin. And shampoo. And nursing pads. And and and and.....

I envy your wealth of clothes and overall preparedness.

Leslie said...

You are still making me laugh - and yes - I'm coming out of my blogoma (weird word meaning: blog coma). Hang in the last month of pregnancy - I am so sorry about the lack of sleep!

imastampin said...

Oh my gosh, you are hilarious. My daughter told me I had to come and read your blog. I'm so glad she did. Laughing is good for the soul and my soul is REAL GOOD now. lol I'm follower 100! How cool is that? Do I get a jar of Tangelo Marmalade? lol

Diamond in the Rough said...

I so love, love, love reading your blog. You always make me laugh and you have the perfect way of explaing things in general. You are AWESOME!

Kari said...

How are you holding up over there, momma?
Sending you chilly wishes from up here.
Kari