Friday, February 04, 2011

Francophilia, frijoles, and white trashery

How is it that I keep losing entire months?  I mean, like today, I get up, get in the shower (hot water heater broken. Again. Dart in towel to other end of house, where water is warmer, hoping no early golfers will see me). Drive to school. Visit teach. Pick oranges and make healthy smoothie for lunch. Wash it down with 2.5 croissants and .25 bag of generic Ruffles. (The oil only a little rancid. Only feel mildly sick.) Croissants remind me to watch rest of Coco Before Chanel, and also remind me that I read that French Women Don't Get Fat book, which I actually really liked, even though some of her ideas are not super applicable in my life, because cannot realistically burn off my croissant calories by doing laps around the the Eiffel Tower or walking up the stairs to my 4th floor flat with the beautiful view of Square Painleve in the 5th arrondissement. I would like to tell you about it sometime soon, but not now. Cannot multitask very well because Coco is French and has subtitles. Ce la vie.

See, so busy! And that's just so far today! What else do I do? I shall make a list for you! What could be more interesting?

1. I answer 100 questions per hour (most from Tom; most about Karate and Jesus:

T:Mom, if I do karate on someone and flip them in the air, will you catch them? 

K:Oh, I don't know if I can. They might be coming at me fast and they might be too heavy. 

T:No way, you could do it. You are the biggest person in the entire world. 

K:Gee, thanks, Tom. 

T:No, wait. I think Jesus Christ is the biggest. Do you think he'd catch the people I kung fu?

K:Couldn't hurt to ask.

2. I decide to can pinto beans. And they took too long, but then they tasted so good I tried black beans. And then I had nothing for anyone to eat for dinner, because all the cooked food in the house was sealed up tight in quart jars, and I wasn't opening those because they were way too much work, plus I was irrationally proud of my beans, and I wanted to stare at them longer, and do positive self-talk about how I'm a fantastic homemaker, so I went and got Sonic, which is gross. (But was Wednesday, which is cheap. And good homemakers are frugal.)

3. I go to Love and Logic parenting classes on Tuesday nights (when I ought to be out on a date with Jake. Am becoming resentful student and am only on week three of six).

4. I head out in the desert to set fire to things and getting involved in all sorts of lowbrow behaviors like hot dog eating and allowing my children to put creepy mannequin heads (that were balded and left out in the ravine in what was likely some sort of satanic ritual: I've seen Law and Order) on sticks and carry them about before incinerating them.

Jake, with chips. Tom, with broken windshield wiper he found among the desert detritus.
5. I keep Sam in glasses. He's broken 5 pair since his myopia diagnosis in June.

6. I buy myself boxes of See's candy while at mall getting Sam's glasses.

7. I watch Masterpiece Theater.

(Dear Lady Mary,
Your grandmother, Professor McGonagall, was totally right on. You should have taken up your cousin Matthew on his offer of marriage while you had the chance, cause now your homely sister Edith has outed your one night stand with that lovely Turk who died in your bed, and your rep is trashed. Good luck finding yourself a straight Duke now.

P.S. I cannot wait an entire year for season two of Downton Abbey. Is torture.)

8. I drive up to 10 kids from 3 different households to three different schools in a carefully choreographed dance of carpooling, with help from Ron Burgundy, the 12-passenger Ford. And Jake. When he is not hiking in the Grand Canyon.

9. I take pictures of Legos. Ross is thinking about starting a blog of his creations, perhaps with instructions.
Left to Right: Indiana Jones, 007, and Assassin Pig
10. I keep high score on Rasputin and Wake Me Up Before You Go (Just Dance 2). Is a lot of pressure.

11. I watch cable. When our third $50 digital converter box broke in a year, I snapped. And begged Cox to take me back.

12. I think about going to the gym.

13. I plan trips to Italy. You know, just in case. I even bought Jake the Rick Steves guidebook for his birthday.

What sort of fascinating things are you doing lately?


jennie w. said...

This is my favorite post of yours ever.

I love to look at vacation rentals on VRBO. I spend hours finding the perfect beach house in South Carolina, the best apartment in Paris, the cutest cabin in Jackson. . . .

Barbaloot said...

Ooh-I like #4. Sounds like fun times. And if you go to Italy, take good notes for me cuz I fully intend to go. One day... Maybe.

I plan to work today.
And maybe go to a friend's art show.
And then a date.
My life doesn't sound nearly as exciting as yours. Especially without any See's candy involved.

mandi said...

Bwa haha! This is hilarious!

You are a busy lady indeed!

InkMom said...

I take my 15-month old off of the *&$@ table seventy five thousand times a day. Or I rescue her from the back of one of the chairs, because she has climbed up the slats and cannot get down. Now, mind you these chairs are all either lining the walls or put together back to back so she can't knock one of them over while climbing it. But she's now learned how to push the chairs back to the table so she can climb some more, and unless we scrap the whole table idea altogether (I mean, really, who needs table to eat at anyway?), I'm pretty much out of options. Maybe we'll attach it to the wall, legs out, install some finger and toe grips and teach her how to use carabiners, but the knot-tying required is probably beyond her level of fine motor skills.

Sadly, my next best suggestion is velcro -- on her, and the walls. And that's just probably not legal.

Kari said...

What is it about freshly preserved bottles of food that makes us feel like real women? Like we might actually be putting all that pioneer heritage to good use? Like we've truly prepared to feed our children in the cold, dark winter? It's a great feeling.

But since it's freezing up here and all outside is a dead wasteland, there is no bottling here. Instead, we're going Italy. For reals. Just girls. In March. Except we are indecisive and hate the planning. You should come and plan for us. And then write the details of our adventure so that the story will have a better vocabulary than I normally do.

Beeswax said...

the best thing about having cable back is house hunters international!

i'll trade your day for mine.

ink mom,
hahaha. i'm not back there yet, but i remember keeping all the chairs on the table and the counters. People coming over always asked if I'd just mopped!

How is that you are moving AND going to Italy? Goodness! I'll email you.

Gini said...

OH.. Grampa will be much happier to come babysit with cable back on. Was that torture not having the cooking channel????

Amber said...

Love this! I look at freshly organized places, like our garage, and get crazy when anyone tries to go in there because they will ruin it.

I have ADORED Downton Abbey, and Mary is not good enough for Matthew, but they have good onscreen chemistry. I'm into Anna and Bates, personally. Can't wait for the next season!!!

Still thinking about changing a kid to BASIS, or something, but hearing about the taxi business you do on the side, proly not until I am forced to.

Azúcar said...

Downton Abbey is trying to murder me slowly with time.


I haven't bought a box of See's in months, but boy have I wanted to!

Did you know the eyeglass store will only replace broken glasses and not lost? Ask me how I know.

TV makes me a better mom.

Claire said...

I LOVE the mannequin heads!
My sister had a Sally head when she was training in hair dressing. I had a 3 month old baby at the time. of course, i had to take some pics of my first born child next to the Sally head. I remember laughing so hard (that wasn't a good idea for someone that had given birth not 3 months before.. ahem). Lately, the sally head has resurfaced and seems to enjoy a jaunt in a baby buggy, being pushed by my 4 your old. Fun times to be ahd with a disembodied head.