Tuesday, November 27, 2007

My Big, Awesome, Fake Tree!

The Christmas tree is vertical and all the lights are functional! It is a Christmas miracle!

Last year there was no such miracle. The lights didn't work, so after I fiddled with them for a few hours, I stared at the tree with my angry eyes for a while. Then I cried for a while, occasionally peering at the offending tree with one swollen eye to see if the miracle would materialize, and the lights would pop on, like the wondrous star above the Baby Jesus. No such luck. But really did not expect it. My Christmas lights do not lead the wise men to Bethlehem, or announce to the world the birth of Son of God, but are only symbols of said miracle. By leaving the lights out, the Lord was telling me to stop being a whiner and be grateful for my two goods hands and accessibility to cheap lights at Walgreens.

So the busted white lights were ripped from the tree with wire cutters (4 hours, even with Jake's help. Occasional sob still escaping my heaving bosom), then replaced with my favorite gaudy colored lights that no one but me likes anymore (8 hours, wailing starts anew about hour 4, but this time mostly due to pain in lower back). Then I had to decide whether the abrasions on my hands and arms needed professional medical attention (decided, no, just gauze and neosporin), and I put on the ornaments (3 hours more).

Tommy was 6 months old at the time and didn't enjoy being put down, so this whole process took about 3 days. Even when I was done, I was not completely satisfied, because fake trees make me a little sad. Plastic trees are like plastic boobs: They look nice from far away, but if you get close enough to get a handful, well, it isn't quite the same (I've learned lots of things from Seinfeld re-runs). Don't get me started on plastic grass. AstroTurf in the yard is declasse.

This year, though, I'm starting to feel differently.
I'm in love with this 10', multi-colored, plastic beauty!

And since I had 2 extra days blocked off on my calendar for weeping, wailing, gnashing, and light stringing, I can now use the extra time to buy and decorate a little tiny real tree to put in the family room, surf the internet to see what I missed by not shopping on Cyber-Monday, and then blog about all of it. I'll post pictures of the tree when she gets all gussied up with her dangly bits and what-nots.

So, do you prefer fake or real? (Tree comments only, please.)

8 comments:

Jolene said...

Can't wait to see the dangly bits and what-nots.

Kelly said...

Neither can Sam. He has been harrassing me all day long. But they can't come out til Tommy is asleep. And we have pack meeting tonight!

Jolene said...

Well, you are way ahead of me. All of our dangly bits are still in the attic. I keep saying dangly bits - it sort of sounds like British cussing.

Kelly said...

Yes, that's why I like it.

Todd Taylor said...

no fakies at the Taylors; only the real-deal.

Hailey said...

Last year, when I was pregnant with the twins, I commanded my husband to go to Costco and "get me one of them big, pre-lit trees!" (I guess you talk weird when you are way pregnant) I have not yet regretted that decision. So, I suppose I am rather attached to my fake, pre-lit tree. Maybe I will get a real one when I can treat it like it's a child and give it some time and thought. I don't need any more kids right now.

Sam said...

I'll go back to real trees when they make them with less sap. For right now, just a metal pole. Happy Festivus.

Brett & Shireen said...

I still am a fan of the real tree -the smell of pine, the water damage to the carpet, the fire hazard of stringing lights made in Mexico or China onto a brittle, dead tree... But, we do fake here as well because, well, having a pre lit tree that you can have ready for ornaments in 7 minutes or less is totally worth it. And since we travel for Christmas, why go real? I love the boob comparison, Kelly, way to keep it real. And dangly bits made me think of pasties, because my mind is in the gutter.