Saturday, November 10, 2007

Wheat sprouting hiatus

I am the food storage lady. This mantle doesn't rest easily on me. I didn't learn to can food while sitting on my Hippie Mother's hairy knee. (My Mother is quite well groomed, but she did can things occasionally. I remember a fiasco with a bunch of ladies, a bunch of kids, and some grape juice that turned to wine. I believe one kid ended up with stitches in her head.)

Last week I was thrilled to find that my food storage sign-up notebooks fit into my new, 52% chance of being 100% authentic, Coach bag my Mom bought me at a purse party for $50. Jake said he found irony in the idea that I would carry around said food storage items in a bag that, at retail price, would cost enough to buy a family of three their basic foods for a year. What he is missing, of course, is that it was a great deal. Coach bags for 80% off is what Provident Living is all about!

I am teaching a class ("How S'wheat It Is". Not my idea) on Tuesday at 9 am and 7 pm (you are all invited) all about wheat. I'll be honest. I was feeling self-righteous and cocky over my vast wheat and bread-making knowledge. I thought, easy-peasy. I'll just share with these wheat novices my years of experience, and I'll wear a hand-crocheted caftan or maybe a Pioneer Day bonnet to give me extra credibility. Then the sign up sheet comes around last Sunday, with a blurb about what I'll be teaching. I had to get a out a pencil and take some notes. Among other things, I'll be teaching about sprouts. I don't sprout.

So I got on the internet. Everything on the internet is true, so I figured it was the best place to start. Plus, the library keeps sending me angry letters, so I can't check anything out of there. Turns out, you wet your wheat, it sprouts. Then, you can eat the sprouts, or you can plant the sprouts, and grow grass. You can juice the grass and drink it, but no, you can't smoke it. Or you can skip all these steps and buy wheat grass juice at Zuka.

When it comes to any sort of gardening, I'm like a sprout out of water. So far, though, sprouting isn't too hard. The problem is, I've been spending all my time with the sprouts, and I haven't given any thought to the rest (and most important) parts of my wheat presentation. They are like thousands of thirsty babies, consuming all my time. (Really they aren't. I'm just busy going to Costco, Bass Pro for Ryan's birthday, and going to see Hairspray at the late night dollar movies. It stunk like vinegar in there. I also read "The Girl With the Pearl Earring" (See my Shelfari review) for book club. Today is the day, though. We might go the the cabin tomorrow after church).

I will put the info from my handouts on here next week. Useful and practical information: this will be a first. Do any of you have any wheat questions or tips or trivia? Please leave a note addressed DEAR FOOD STORAGE LADY in the comments section of this post at your leisure.

Happy sprouting!


Lizzie said...

Dear Food Storage Lady,

I would just like to inform you that Zuka is no longer the name of the place that sells the nasty wheat grass. It is Jamba, and I know this because every time someone ordered a drink I would have to yell "jamba" so that my co-worker could yell back "juice"...LAME
Anyway, we would have people come in a buy 7 shots of that stuff and take it home to drink one everyday. In my book that equals weird!

Good luck on teaching the lesson. Just make some homemade bread and they will be so happy to be fed that they will forget they were suppose to learn about sprouts.

Jolene said...

Dear Food Storage Lady,

I am sorry that I am having to miss your swheat class! I know that your vast knowledge and expertise would have infinitely enriched my life. But you know, I kind of stink at food storage. I have it - but I am scared of wheat.

I had forgotten about that book "The Girl With the Pearl Earring". I loved the concept of the story behind a famous painting but I didn't LOVE the book either. I did however love the visual of the movie. I checked it out from the library about a year ago. There wasn't a lot of dialogue but the it was a nice movie to look at it.

I might have a small crush on Scarlett Johanssen. Speaking of which - we missed you the other night.

Gini said...

Do you mean to say you are having Relief Society TWICE in one day? That would never happen over here. Good luck.

jt said...


One tidbit......If you chew wheat long enough, it turns to gum.

Todd Taylor said...

The last comment was from me, Todd. I only know that little tidbit 'cause my grandpa used to keep wheat in a big (weavel infested) barrel for the horses and he would take handfuls to chew. So, I naturally wanted to be like my grandpa. I still get the urge when we go by his farm and look at the horses.

Brigham said...

Ask Melanie & Joe for the Cake version of "Guitar man"

Jake Beeson said...

Dear Food Storage Lady,
Regarding your attire, I still vote for the black Juicy Couture tracksuit. You then could be the wheat ninja.

Joe said...

What the heck does Brigham mean by "Ask Melanie & Joe for the Cake version of "Guitar man"?!

Dave in St. Louis said...

Dear Food Storage Lady,

Have you considered the following prop for your class?

Brigham said...

Kelly told me she found a stash of Cake CD's in your van. Kelly has Bread's "Guitar Man" on her music player. Just a throwback to our romantic blind date at the Celebrity Theater.