Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Christmas letter my sister says I can't send to anyone, especially not Jake's Grandma, because it is foul

Dear friends and family,

So...uh...Merry Christmas!

Er...Happy Hannukah

(I like that I can spell Chanukuh however I like and it is totally kosher).

Hmmm...Feliz ano nuevo

I really need to find the tilde key, because I think without it, I may have just wished you a happy anus.

Hold up.

I can't write anus in a Christmas letter. I'm sending this to my grandma. And Jake's grandma, too. Who didn't know me as a child, and might think I'm a hussy, with all this potty talk.

Okay, let's see. What's up with the Beeswaxes?

Let's do this thing in reverse weight order.

Tommy is 2.5 years old. He enjoys telling me "NO!," eating entire jars of applesauce (which makes for a not-so-feliz ano), and pulling Jane's hair to make her scream.

We are all surprised and thrilled that Sam, 5, hasn't gotten kicked out of Kindergarten. Yet. Is a miracle, people.

Jane, 7, ate oysters at the Chinese Super Buffet one time. She's a foodie like her Mom, but with her Dad's backside. Sometimes, life isn't fair (for the Mom). Jane is pretty much a genius at riling boys up and then telling on them so they get grounded from the Wii. I'm not sure how this skill will serve her in adulthood.

Ross, 9, wants to read the Twilight books because he ran out of Harry Potters, Nancy Drews, Eragons, and cereal boxes. I told him no way, jose. Go watch Weird Al videos on YouTube like a good boy, and stop bugging me about books.

Jake is busy fixing other people's garbage disposals.

Kelly's cousin Melanie gave her the biggest tin of Almond Roca east of the San Andreas Fault, because, Melanie said, Kelly's jeans look too good. 
Kelly has been hard at it, eating the Roca practically full time, but is only about halfway through the tin, mostly because Jake tried to intervene and hide it in his underwear drawer. He was very crafty, and didn't expect that I would be doing any laundry. He was right.

Kelly is now ticked with both Jake and Melanie.

Yes, that one of the jeans is the only photo I'm enclosing in this foul letter.

Love and kisses,
Los Beeswax

(My real pictures came today. So now, I have to go write a real letter.
It isn't going to be nearly as fun as this'un.)


Bee said...

It's always difficult to strike just that right balance between truth, humor and humility in the Christmas letter, isn't it?

You might as well err on the humorous side.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I didn't know you as a child. Therefore, I think you're a hussy!

Molly said...

I love your comment about Sam! He is such a funny kid. Todd and I will be waiting for one of your Christmas cards, I heard your pictures are beautiful! And P.S. I don't think you're a hussy.

heather said...

You crack me up! :)

Shelane said...

the jeans are very spicy. i would admire the shoes too but they make my feet hurt just looking at them.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Hmmmm, too bad Ross is too young for me. And that I'm married. And that, well, there's lots of "that's". But I like his style! (you're such a good mommy!)

Shanana said...

Oh man! I think my Grandma would have thought all that talk about anuses (or would the plural be anii?) was a little too G-rated for her taste... Especially since she's had multiple strokes, which have affected her in a manner similar to Tourette's syndrome.

Very VERY funny!!!

Kellie said...

Oh, I'm laughing so hard right now! Happy Anus to you too!

Kari said...

What are you talking about?

CASSIE said...

Crack me up!!! Totally hot in those jeans! (all the time...but especially in those jeans!)

wonder woman said...

What are you talking about? This is a perfect Christmas letter!! If my family actually read my blog, I'd do it, too. Especially if I had an uber-hot Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike pic of myself to put with it.

Heather A said...

You do look a lot like Jennifer Love Hewitt in the pic. Love the jeans, too. I like reading hilarious Christmas letters way more than the blah, blah, blah...But you should post your actual letter as well. And am dying to see your pics!

Beeswax said...

I'm sitting here eating Almond Roca and reading your comments.

I see some of you like to say HUSSY as much as I do.

Claire said...

Send this one. Old folk need a treat at christmas time. They need some straight talk. Shoot from that well cladded jeaned hip of yours.

I would suggest adding a ps at the end, asking them to wash. Old people have a knack of smelling of ham soup. It's not big and it's not clever. You could even send them a bar of soap. Smell of soap. Not soup. Word.

bella said...

Well now you've done it! I won't be able to listen to Christmas songs without thinking of your Christmas letter and laughing. That pic of the jeans looks too good, where do I send the pralines?

Brett and Shireen said...

I agree with the girl who commented on the soap - old people do need to wash more often, perhaps you could add that in around the "happy anus" portion of the Christmas letter. I'm going to water down my grandma's perfume while I am visiting her for Christmas, that is the little gift I give myself every year. And I have known you my entire life so I KNOW you are a hussy. Just kidding.

Valerie said...

Kelly, this last post had me crying. Thanks for the laugh. I so wish that you would send this card out to everyone. There just isn't enough foul Christmas cheer out there!!

Frumpy Luv said...

Oh goodness, I have so composed the Christmas letter I will never send for this year in my head so many times. In the end I decided it's just not happening. Love this one!