Thursday, February 05, 2009

The story I can't tell you (because criminals might attack us in our own beds, if I do)

Had terrible dreams last night filled with creepy psycho-killer, with face of Chucky-slash-infantile Dwight Schrute, coming to get us. Did not sleep well. Am feeling rather groggy.

Also, am going to take sister Jen on her first trip to Ikea. Will be tour guide, instructing her to drink Lingonberry pop and eat hazelnut ballerina cookies, but to avoid meatballs. To buy cheap kitchen utensils and gift wrap, but not chipboard furniture. Etc.

But I haven't really done anything yet to celebrate Man Appreciation Week, and am feeling guilty. Don't want to have underappreciated men on my conscience. But what to say?

Have got it! Will ask a man! So, quizzed Jake: what would you like to see on my blog that would be very interesting to you and other males?

He had some ideas, all right.  Was full of them.

But am not going to take photos of self in bikini and post them on interweb. (Do not have bikini, among other reasons.)

Decided that Jake's list is rubbish. 

Decided will tell manly story about Jake and his property management adventures. One that made me sweaty-pitted and nervous. Only long, hot bath with Ben & Jerry was able to restore my equilibrium after tiny-anxiety-attack-inducing story.

Called Jake to get details so that story would be truthful, and full of journalistic integrity. (I was an editor on Granada Hills High School newspaper, Highlander Highlights, you know.)

Jake said cannot post story as we might get revenge-seeking criminal-types coming after us while we sleep, even though is super fabulous story, including crime-infested neighborhood, breaking and entering (Jake's), police helicopters, assorted cop cars sport parked at angles in street, Jake getting patted down and frisked in manner of common burglar and car thief (crimes which the police believed he had committed), and more. 

MUCH MORE. (I can't even tell you the best part of the story.)

I have to stop. May already have said too much. Is a dangerous game I am playing. 

This man stuff is serious business. Also, moderately exhausting.

Jake is perfectly well, in case you were wondering. But sometimes, I do wish he would go back to Tax Accounting. Although, not at this time of year. Is busy season. 

Update: if you are really dying to hear my story, send an email to and I will email you all the gory details! Or leave your address in the comments, if you like. But give me a couple days, because I am going to cabin with Book Club tomorrow afternoon! Am thinking about making Barefoot Contessa's lemon curd tart to bring along, since bought cute new tart pan at Ikea for $3.99. Also, I have an entire tree full of ripe, juicy lemons, right in my backyard. Go ahead and be jealous, if you want.


sarinahbrooks said...

Come on Kel - do TELL! You have such a bait out there on the story - got for it. I will send our furry critters (Shih Tzu's named SaSa and Indy) to protect you! They mat lick the criminals to death! Really, love the man tribute

Heidi Ashworth said...

Police, helicopters, pat-downs, cars parked at angles . . .. it sounds like an ep of 24. So does the revealing enough to get us way interested and then leaving it all hanging. You should go write for them. (Oh, and eat some ballerinas for me--LOVE those!)

Barbaloot said...

Ooh-sounds scary! And sorry about the dreams---I could handle a Dwight dream, but not one infused with Chucky. Yikes.

And don't forget the map at IKEA else you may get lost forever.

Jolene said...

I will trade you - Jakes story for a story a certain judge who used to be in our ward told me about a certain dentist that used to be in our ward getting arrested for criminal speed and crying like a baby.

wendy said...

Oooo,living with a dangerous man are you. Watch your you have an alarm system, pit bull, moat with alligators, I would look into those things. I work at a court house, clerk for a Judge and hear all, sick and twisted stories of crime out there. Then all there seems to be on tv to watch are "crime" shows. Making me paranoid. Maybe I can steal you a Tazzer gun from one of the bailiffs here. Let me know(shh, would have to be on the down low)

Kari said...

You've got me on the edge of my seat, Kelly-dear. Very mean, you are.

The Fear Fam said...

Wow! Infantile Dwight, IKEA, and a cop-frisking-husband story all in one post. Awesome!

Bee said...

It is a bit mean of you to just dangle plot in this way.

Your sister has never been to IKEA? (Does she still live with your parents?)

Beeswax said...

Sarinah-mean baby dwight would kill your dogs like he did Sprinkles.

Heidi-dangit. Forgot the cookies!

Barbaloot- You don't get lost if you follow the arrows.

Jolene- Oh, I know of which you are speaking. But will still trade stories.

Wendy-you let me know if any tazers become available

Kari-sorry, it was sort of mean. I'll send you the full story later.

Fear fam-Is true. Takes talent to combine such disparate ingredients, eh?

Bee-no, she is 31. But she thought that if she wasn't into Danish Modern that Ikea would have nothing to offer her. My Mom still wouldn't come (also never been), but Jen is now a convert.

Anonymous said...

oh i wish you could tell. it sounds like a mighty juicy story. dang man appreciation week. it always ends up with stories that can't be told because men are to dangerous... thats why men don't have blogs.

i love ikea. not my style of decor, but cool nonetheless

Fiona said...

All this talk about Ikea ... I've never been to an Ikea and I actually live in a city!!! I've only been reading your blog for 2 days but you crack me up!!!

Reid and Christine Family said...

I'm soo jealous! and i want to hear all the gory details! Your blog is truly entertaining. Love it!

{Christine Taylor}

SugarHouse Mama said...

How could anyone NOT want to hear the details. I am married to a chemist. His work is not thrilling. I don't even have to worry about lab blow-ups because he's a good chemist. Dang-It! But you have inspired me. I'm considering posting about MY run-in with Po-lice. Trespassing. Only I did not get frisked because I outran!

Love your blog!

SugarHouse Mama said...

Also, I am super jealous of your book club. And your lemon tart. Green, I tell you. Green.

Shanana said...

I thought MY adventures as a slumlord in the projects of So.Cal were exciting... I NEVER got a pat down!

Would love hear rest:

P.S. Just SAYING the word IKEA to my husband is a panic attack-inducing proposition in its own right. We went once, and he was ready to bolt down the fire exits by about the 2nd floor, muttering things like, "Why do they make you go through every floor to get out of here? *voice escalating* WHERE THE HECK IS THE EXIT????" Needless to say, I don't get the chance to go much.

nevadanista said...

Hahaha! I just thought of you as Neil Diamond walked down into the audience while singing 'Sweet Caroline' (on the Grammys) and touched a member of Coldplay on the shoulder. I swear it kind of looked like the Coldplay guy kissed his hand.

Awesome ghetto story!

Claire said...

I heart IKEA.

Not so much a fan of the Lingonberyy, but as an IKEA virgin, it's a rite of passage your sister has to go through. Hope you had a nice time!

kendreebrinae said...

You are hilarious I love your blog. Infact, I might become one of your loyal followers :) Dwight K. Shrewt. That was good! I was JUST talking about how he looks like an older version of CHucky, no joke. What a coincidence.

Pam said...

I love a good mormon criminal story they are rare but very entertaining. Someday when I see you again you will have to tell all of the pat down details.
Your book club is very lucky they have you to make something so devine for them. YUM!
Jen a IKEA virgin no more, well it's about time and I'm so glad it was with you :)