The story I can't tell you (because criminals might attack us in our own beds, if I do)
Had terrible dreams last night filled with creepy psycho-killer, with face of Chucky-slash-infantile Dwight Schrute, coming to get us. Did not sleep well. Am feeling rather groggy.
Also, am going to take sister Jen on her first trip to Ikea. Will be tour guide, instructing her to drink Lingonberry pop and eat hazelnut ballerina cookies, but to avoid meatballs. To buy cheap kitchen utensils and gift wrap, but not chipboard furniture. Etc.
But I haven't really done anything yet to celebrate Man Appreciation Week, and am feeling guilty. Don't want to have underappreciated men on my conscience. But what to say?
Have got it! Will ask a man! So, quizzed Jake: what would you like to see on my blog that would be very interesting to you and other males?
He had some ideas, all right. Was full of them.
But am not going to take photos of self in bikini and post them on interweb. (Do not have bikini, among other reasons.)
Decided that Jake's list is rubbish.
Decided will tell manly story about Jake and his property management adventures. One that made me sweaty-pitted and nervous. Only long, hot bath with Ben & Jerry was able to restore my equilibrium after tiny-anxiety-attack-inducing story.
Called Jake to get details so that story would be truthful, and full of journalistic integrity. (I was an editor on Granada Hills High School newspaper, Highlander Highlights, you know.)
Jake said cannot post story as we might get revenge-seeking criminal-types coming after us while we sleep, even though is super fabulous story, including crime-infested neighborhood, breaking and entering (Jake's), police helicopters, assorted cop cars sport parked at angles in street, Jake getting patted down and frisked in manner of common burglar and car thief (crimes which the police believed he had committed), and more.
MUCH MORE. (I can't even tell you the best part of the story.)
I have to stop. May already have said too much. Is a dangerous game I am playing.
This man stuff is serious business. Also, moderately exhausting.
Jake is perfectly well, in case you were wondering. But sometimes, I do wish he would go back to Tax Accounting. Although, not at this time of year. Is busy season.
Update: if you are really dying to hear my story, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will email you all the gory details! Or leave your address in the comments, if you like. But give me a couple days, because I am going to cabin with Book Club tomorrow afternoon! Am thinking about making Barefoot Contessa's lemon curd tart to bring along, since bought cute new tart pan at Ikea for $3.99. Also, I have an entire tree full of ripe, juicy lemons, right in my backyard. Go ahead and be jealous, if you want.