Monday, November 16, 2009

I write the songs.

Just like Barry Manilow, only with greater emphasis on bodily functions.

I think you write the songs, too. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't be copping to it.

I'm talking about nursery rhymes.

You know, like Mary had a little lamb? Or Jack and Jill? Only you make them up yourself? And they often don't rhyme? So they are more like nursery free verse? And they are normally quite bad? So bad, in fact, that you are glad your child doesn't fully comprendo the English yet? And these verses are almost always immediately forgotten, but very occasionally they stick, and become part of the family collective conscious?

Like, who can ever forget It's Happy Nappy Time!, sung to the tune of tra-la-la-boom-de-ay? Is now in its second generation, and still going strong. My Mom holds the copyright to that one, but I bet she won't care if you use it.

And I've come up with a few good ones myself. But time is not good to this fragile and ethereal poetry. Even ten minutes later, you can't recall anything more than that the song was a plea for your son to stop bugging you about going to store and getting more avocados, cause he is constantly hassling you about avocados. He eats like 3 avocados a a day.  You can't remember anything, save you sang it to Paula Abdul's Straight Up, and that it was so good, if you could remember it, it might win a Grammy

Here's one I do remember, from not so long ago. It is entitled Poo in the loo, and I think the tune name is obvious, but I'll tell you anyway (Skip to my Lou):

Poo's in the kitchen,
Who Tom who?
Poo's in the kitchen,
Poo Tom poo.
Poo's in the kitchen,
Tom, its you.

Poo in the loo my Tommy.

Now, sometimes these sorts of songs can be wonderful teaching tools, but Tommy is not an anglophile like his mum, and he doesn't yet know his loo from his lorry. So I guess the songs are as much for me as the children, and help me to keep my spirits high while I disinfect the kitchen floor. Again.

Have you read that book about the five love languages? Well, I'm mostly a quality time sort of girl, with a minor emphasis in receiving gifts or acts of service. Whichever of those would include people bringing me treats in my bed. So one night when I was feeling my love tank (and belly) was empty, I sang this to my ungrateful children, in all the serious Barbara Streisand intensity I could muster:

You don't bring me cheez-its
you don't bring me grape pop
you don't bring me tiny banana splits from Sonic (ask your dad to take you there and get me one!)


The kids weren't terribly impressed. But they never did like Neil Diamond as much as I do.

You might feel differently, but my rule for nursery songs is you can't try too hard. They have to come entirely naturally, and so they are generally one-offs.

For instance, this morning Tom came in with a roll of toilet paper and a crack full of feces. (Don't worry, this is just fun back story.) He bends over at the waist and commands: WIPE ME. And so I do. But I realize bathing might be necessary for proper clean-up (is messier than average, and now we are both involved), so I tell him to put his Move it, Move it undies (Madagascar Movie) in the laundry and meet me in the bathroom. 

But nothing is that simple these days. Everything must be explained. Why? Why? He asks. 

And then the song comes, from somewhere deep inside me:

All the naked boys need to get in the shower.
Naked, fecal boys need to get in the shower.
Naked, naked boys need need to get in the shower

with their mommies.

Oh, boy. Is a real stinker. And more than a little disturbing. I don't think it is going to unseat Miss Muffet from her tuffet. (Not to mention, you might think I shouldn't be showering with my toddler. And you would be right. Remember this?)

Is okay, though. Good is not really the point.

Still, I wonder if Coldplay ever came up with something similar? Just before they wrote Viva La Vida, maybe? 

So, tell me. Do you sing stupid, goofy, sometimes disturbing or inappropriate songs to your children? Do you have any favorites you would like to share?


Amber said...

I do the tune of "Someone's in the kitchen w/ Dinah" but I say "someone's gotta do the dishes or they're gonna eat dirt" variation. My songs always involve threats. And the shower thing with the kids is the only way to get clean.

Katie said...

After too many nights of not sleeping I made up my own bilingual, nonsensical version of lullaby that has lasted 5 years and another kiddo. Even the almost 8 year old asks me to sing it to him sometimes and I have to change the lyrics from Noe to bebe so I don't call him by his brother's name :) And I still shower with my toddler after poo disasters too.

Kristen said...

When I was little my mom had a sorta Indian chant that went "I'm not going to hear this, I'm not going to listen" when we would be haranguing her about something.

It is now in it's second generation with me, and Lily does not like it one bit.

Bee said...

We are way past the booty-wiping phase here, but even in those good old days I don't think I could have topped your lyrical offerings.

VERY FUNNY POST. Clearly, pregnancy hasn't fogged your brain too much.

Shellie said...

wow I'm going to have that poo song stuck in my head!

Chief said...

I hope you have a savings account set up for their therapy

Lisa said...

I do "Momma Sings the Hitz" where I will take any pop song, slow it down to Muzak pace and then sing it very clearly and enunciate every word, while standing, of course, with one hand cupping the other right in front of my breasts...and singing at the top of my lungs. It's a little disturbing....

Brett and Shireen said...

Mine are usually pop songs turned into songs about eating. Anything to get the toddler's attention and to increase the chance that not only will she willingly take a bite of food, that she will chew and swallow it (instead of spitting it out). I have a couple of good ones about corn dogs, peas, cheese etc. I'll sing to you the next time we go out to eat, if you want.

Claire said...

Nothing as creative as your 'choonz'... I may steal some of your tunes. Though, I have no boys, so the chances of having to sing a song about a boy covered in jobbie may not get used much around here. Unless my husband needed the song.. but those are issues i don't even want to think about..

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