Saturday, August 16, 2008

Taking my coin slot into my own hands

Okay, that title didn't come out quite right.

But you know how sometimes, it is just love at first sight?

No, this isn't about that new vampire book, Breaking Wind.
(Which, I am embarrassed to say, I have completed. But thanks for lending it to me, nice lady with the initials J.R.)

It's about how, sometimes, you meet someone new, and the magic is there at the very beginning, right? There is immediate chemistry? Well, from the very first moment I took the William Rast Daisy Super Flare in Gardenia Wash into my arms, and waltzed her into the dressing room, I could tell we were going to get on famously.

But as I slipped her up over my hips, buttoned her up, and twisted around to catch a glimpse of her on my backside, I thought, now this is denim of a different color! LOOK at my rear side! LOOK! LOOK, SELF! LOOK AT YOUR BACK END! Did you get a good gander? How does she push it all up that way, so I don't look like all my junk is just pancakes, the short stack, in the steamrollered trunk? I don't know, but she did. And then, she didn't gap in the back of the waist AT ALL, which has never happened ever before in my whole entire life, except when I took my coin slot into my own hands and TAILORED MY OWN JEANS. Which totally works, but it took me 7 hours with my sewing machine. Which is really a waste of time, because...

That's seven hours of living, gone; seven hours that I could have spent gazing lustily at my own butt in the mirror, in the lovely Daisy Jeans by my man William Rast (who, it turns out, is Justin Timberlake. It's his brand), or reading aloud to my children, or serving my fellow man. Or something.

All this is great, of course. But you want to know something EVEN BETTER? Justin Timberlake makes his jeans HUGE! Enormous! So ginormous that I need my Daisies 2 FULL SIZES SMALLER than my regular jeans. Just slipping on that size makes me feel slim and svelte like a frenchy supermodel. Because of this, Daisy and I are best friends forever now. Kindred spirits. (I think I imprinted on her a tiny bit.)

So, here I yam, sitting here in my new jeans, right-e-o?


NOPE.

Daisy is totally outta my league. She runs with a faster, jet-setty crowd. She is so, so pricey. Like, you'll need some Franklin twins just to get invited to her party. Even though I know we totally belong together, I could not take her home and sit on the couch and watch girly movies and spill popcorn on her, like I daydreamed about. I began to think of us as star-crossed BFFs, and it actually started to break my heart a little bit.

Until, I remembered about the wonderful world of online auctions.

So now, I'm cyber-stalking her on Ebay. Because, SHE WILL BE MINE.

I'm sounding sorta creepy, right? In addition to shallow, which cannot be avoided when you post about jean love. But now, I'm freakin' and creepin' you out a little? Sort of like vampire love and reproduction, maybe?

HMMM.

I don't care. I just wanted to tell you about fabulous pants; if that is wrong, well, then, you are wrong, to think it is wrong. And you can just take me off your Google Reader.

No, hold on, no need to be so hasty. Don't do that. I probably won't blog about jeans again for a good, long while.

Even though, if you are a girl like me, with a crazy, curvy-licious waist to hip ratio (seems medically impossible that I could ever have a heart attack), and a body shape that can only described by the phrase "extreme pear," then you know how it is. And you will probably bid against me on my William Rast Daisy Super Flares in Gardenia. I can't blame you. But I will win, ladies, because I am going to snipe the heck outta you.

So, happy bidding! May the flattest butt win!

30 comments:

Valerie said...

tell me where to go to even try some on....

Sherrie said...

Kelly,
Yes where can we find these fabulous jeans?? I hear you are not creeped out by blog stalkers, in fact rather enjoy it so please tell me where to find the pants!

Jolene said...

Kelly -

We can have a fund raiser so that you can get your jeans.

We can have a bake sale or a garage sale or sell raffle tickets - the winner could get the use of your awesome tailering skills.

I will help.

Jenni said...

Hope you're able to get your hands on a pair of those..I've heard good things about his line!

Hailey said...

I have yet to find the perfect jean. Probably because I have yet to be willing to pay for it, cheapskate that I am. However, I LOVE me some ebay. Happy hunting!

Heather said...

Hey, I agree with Jolene. My Sierrah could bake some cookies for the bake sale!!
I wish you happy bidding!

jt said...

we just need to go try things on at nordstrom again, on a double date after a nice dinner, and while our hubbies wait outside and start chatting about forclosures and short sales etc. go waltzing out. When he sees you in the jeans he'll just say, "those are nice, buy 'em" and that will be that.

But we all know you don't need "permission", just go get them. It sounds like a quest now, though. Good luck!

P&M CLAN said...

Kelly,

Does Beehive Prop. have an email address?

Thanks, Melissa

alyssa said...

Forbidden love stories are he most intriguing, captivating kind. I have taken a peek into future and have forseen that you WILL in fact make these jeans yours. The path will be a long one, what with other jeans trying to tempt you to choose them, and the e-bay police trying to keep you apart, but you WILL succeed!!

p.s. Breaking Wind! YOU CRACK ME UP!!!

sarinahbrooks said...

Happy biddin you crazy girl - ah to be in love with jeans again as you have described!

P&M CLAN said...

I would win the flattest butt contest! I def would like to find some jeans that helped out my butt. I have never been able to. Maybe that's because the ones I buy are usually under $50.00!

CASSIE said...

WOW-- WHERE DID YOU TRY THEM ON? SUCKER THAT I AM--WENT ONTO EBAY AND PUT A BID IN ON SOME I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!! THANKS ALOT! I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF I WIN!!

Beeswax said...

Well, ladies, Jane got it right. You can get them at Nordstrom, but I tried them on at a little store that I do not know the name of about two doors to the east of the Apple store at the San Tan Mall. They are probly a staple pant at any pricey denim boutique.

Sherrie, welcome. We love stalkers here. I am myself a stalker, of the jeans. As you read.

Jolene and Heather, if we have a bake sale, then we will all bake delicious treats that we will buy from each other and then consume with gusto. THen, the awesome pants will not fit. Is catch-22.

Alssa, are you a fortune-teller on the side?

Melissa try jake@nafaz.com. Next time we get together we should compare butts. I think you'll concede when you see the proof.

Cassie, you ARE bidding against me! My own flesh and blood! Though, you might have my same hips. I got them from Great Grandma Ida Layton, as far as I can tell. We are just two pears in a pod.

Natalie said...

"I imprinted on them a little"!!! Hilarious! gotta love Twilight humor...

shell said...

if you set up a paypal account donation thing I will totally donate. like a couple of bucks. but I bet I'm not the only one who would donate a couple of bucks. I bet tons of your readers would. than you can have your jeans before you know it!

COMcewens said...

Oh man, I was so excited to go out and buy those JEANS right NOW!!!! Then I saw the price... BUTT.... if it does the "coin slot" all you say..... maybe....

VarneyFam said...

So I have never heard of these jeans before - butmaybe after the baby that could be my reward for getting this wonderful weight off - now that's a wait entirely - let the love affair with the keans begin!! You crack me up :)

Heidi Ashworth said...

Another witty well-written post! Gotta love it!

Pam said...

A pair of jeans that don't gap at the waist...what is that like? I have never had the pleasure. We must be related somehow because I have to same pear hips that don't match the waist thing goin' on. I love that you tried sewing your gap closed though. I might have to try that someday.

And if you "imprinted" just a little bit then it is destiny that those jeans will be yours. Stephenie Meyers said so and who are we to argue.

Alishia said...

Well, well, well, lusting over worldly things in this life. Maybe you should see the Bishop. :)

You are a hoot! I think that after a post like that, one that has me crying I am laughing so hard, you deserve the jeans.

One Sassy Mama said...

You are very hilar to me...I once tried to alter Jordyn's pants with a piece of elastic sewn into the back waist...didn't work so much--and looked pretty chafa.

Frumpy Luv said...

These jeans do sound oh so fabulous - hope you get them one way or another!!!

Beeswax said...

Thanks for all your great ideas. (My husband thought yours especially good, Shellie; but I feel like you all will need your $$ for your own over-priced denim.) Anyway, I just couldn't wait any longer. I 'bought it now' on Ebay this afternoon, and with any luck I'll be wearing Daisy out this weekend! I spent $80 less than retail, but Justin is still not gonna go hungry, probly!  But I'll still take you up on the double date, Jane, only now we don't have to go to Nordstrom, we can linger over dessert!

MERRIANNE said...

oh girl...you are FUUUUUNNY!!!

i want some of those jeans! i will have those jeans!!! :)

Nichole said...

Did I see Jen in those jeans today? They were pretty darn cute! You need to get those jeans. It isn't everyday that you find a pair that you love.

Lizzie said...

look at you miss 25 comments!!! can you be my claim to fame? You and Jane are putting me to shame.

Anyway...congrats on getting the cute jeans. All my girl friends and I call our favorite pair of jeans "hot butt jeans". I got 2 pair in NYC-but mine were only $20 at Centruy 21....but I did spend 7 hours looking for them!

Renae Alexander said...

We could ask your ward to donate to the ward "Humanitarian Effort" (you're obviously in desperate need) and they can just put some $ in the "other" section and mark it "Kelly's sexy jeans fund" No?
I love a good pair of jeans and really wish I had one. I tried on a pair of "skinny jeans" just for fun the other day. It was depressing and made me look ridiculous. I need some good adult jeans.
BTW - do you remember the short guy with the leather and the chains at the ASU dances? :) He always scared me.

Eric and Breanna Graham said...

Just so you know, there are a lot of people expecting to see some stroll down the catwalk with you in these jeans. We must see the magic it has done for you with our own eyes! So the way I see it, since you've got so many people to show you'll probably have to wear them everyday for a month(not that you'll mind) You may be able to take care of several gals if you wear them to church on Sunday. Maybe if you wear a long skirt and wear the jeans under it you could avoid the akward stares from the men. But all us girls will know about the magical jeans, so of course we'll just be jealous.

Alyson said...

Ok, I've never heard of these, but now I MUST try. I wonder if they'll blow my Gap long n'lean out of the water.

Happy bidding!

cookingsherri said...

A few years ago my sister-in-law told me I had to try the most perfect jeans on. She took me to Lucky. I tried on every jean they have only to find out that I do not have a "lucky butt". Aren't a great pair of jeans a wonderful find. You have hit a nerve here. There are a lot of comments, I just had to add mine.