Dear Lemon Meringue Pie,

I'd like to apologize for eating you for breakfast on Monday. You likely thought you were safe from consumption until at least 10 am. You didn't realize that it was going to be a busy day around here, and if I was going to have time for stress eating, I was going to need to start early. 

Love, Beeswax

Are you people super busy, like me?

Are you forgetting stuff?

Do you have no time for your TIVO?

Do you have about $300 dollars worth of clothes you didn't use for family pictures, that need to be returned all over town?

What? No? Where did I lose you? Let me back up.

Do you get your kids off to school on Monday morning and wonder why your home looks like a frat house the morning after a crazy party? Like, a party with the sorority girls and lots of kegs? Cause mine does. Pretty much exactly.

What, you don't believe me? You don't think I've been inside like, a trillion frat houses? You think I'm a nerdy goody-goody who went to the University of Arizona for two years and never went to a single frat party? Or tapped a single keg? And you think when I write about crazy keggers, it sounds false and uncomfortable, like when 7th Heaven tried to deal with the hard hitting issues?

Well, you might be right. But I was totally invited to the parties. All the time. (All the girls without moustaches were invited). But I was super busy doing the stuff that nice, goody-goodies do. Which is a secret. So I can't tell you. But I'll give you a hint. It might include going to Church dances where sometimes we had to dance to the Footloose Soundtrack. 

Yes, this was 1992. Everybody did not need to cut loose.

So anyhow, my house looked really bad on Monday morning, but actually, my carpets didn't reek of vomit, urine, or beer, and worse, like what I imagine is on the carpets of real frat houses (those boys should really opt for tile), so I guess that's a plus. But apparently I can't lie very well about the checkered past I don't have, waking up in dirty fraternity houses, etc. So there goes my career in fiction. 

The one I was going to have when I wasn't quite so busy.

I'm not so busy to notice that my kids are pretty hilarious right now. Even though I'm still in mourning because Tommy started calling Winnie-the-Pooh by his given name instead of "Yucky-Poo," and he doesn't scream "hot SH*T" when he is concerned that his car SEAT is going to give him second degree burns (only downside to fab weather). But Ross asked me yesterday if he thought he could make a living with a television show in which he crashes self-designed lego vehicles into walls. And in the lego store, Sam saw the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull merchandise and told Jake "Hey, Dad, that reminds me of double-u double-u double-u dot legos dot com backslash Indiana Jones!"

It is all about the Legos around here, nowadays. Except for Tommy, who is over in the corner right now playing with Lincoln Logs, and potty talking to himself. "Pee or poop, pee or poop, pee or poop?" I wonder if this means he's ready for toilet training? He seems a bit confused. I should wait.

Family pictures could have gone way worse than they did (and have in the past). It was like when you go to the dentist and you don't have any cavities. Great, of course, but still, a trip to the dentist. I sure hope we get something good, cause we aren't doing that again for two years. I ended up scrapping all the previous outfit ideas for Jane, thanks to some of your helpful comments, and bought her this cute little ensemble from Janie and Jack, which she wore with jeans and ballet shoes:

I could go on. But I need to go can 20 pounds of meat that will soon go bad, put away all the groceries I was out getting until 10:30 last night (but spent $25 and saved $150, so it was worth it, I think), go get Tommy out of the corner and interact with him a bit, and take a shower. I might need some In-n-out for lunch to sustain me. And then afterward, more pie. 

Dear Lemon Meringue Pie,

Consider yourself warned.