Friday, November 21, 2008

Live from New York...Friday Night

Kelly: So, hows about we take the subway to Saks Fifth Avenue?

Mom: No, I don't like the subway.

Kelly: You haven't been on a New York subway train since 1968.

Mom: So? People pee down there.

Kelly: What about you, Jen?

Jen?

Jen?



Jen: (Hailing a cab). (Cab pulls up to curb).

(We all slide into the cab.)

Kelly: Jen, are you ignoring me?

Jen: Huh?

Kelly: Can't you hear me?

Jen: I got these special thick earmuffs, so I can't hear you talk about riding the subway.


*******

12:oo pm

Mom: I'm not feeling so good

3:00 pm

Mom: Maybe I shouldn't have taken that packet of vitamins the size of my fist? My stomach is all gurgly.

5:00 pm

Mom: I don't know if I am going to make it to August: Osage County. I'm quite uncomfortable.

Jen: Mom, you are a diabolical genius. You have totally been developing your alibi all day long! You totally have an out, at either intermission! I am totally stuck there.

Kelly: No, Mom is even smarter than that. She has cleverly refused to even hail a cab or pay a driver in all the years we've been coming to New York. If she needs to go back to the hotel, she'll neeed an escort.

Jen: Mom is a genius. Plus, my stomach is feeling a bit queer.

*********

Jen: So, I read on your blog that Alyson is worried that you are a 50 year old pervert. And then you said you hoped that Alyson wasn't a pervy man, either. So I think you should tell Alyson that if she turns out to be a pervy man, she can go ahead and sit with us at the theater tomorrow, but she cannot go to dinner with us.

6 comments:

Heidi Ashworth said...

So, do you think those vitamins will take care of my constipation problem or will August Osage work better? (cause I'm getting pretty desperate, here)

Motherboard said...

That last line cracked me up!

Hope she's not a crazy 50 year old perv! :oP

wonder woman said...

awesome. Love it. Feel like I'm right there with you. And now that the election's over, you're MUCH funnier than SNL. (Seriously. Why do they SUCK?!)

I really hope Alyson's not perv. Although, I suppose that gives you an out for Osage too, huh?!

Nichole said...

You have to ride the subway at least once. My kids died over the guilty homeless guy that was walking out of a pee infested elevator. Nasty! We also had someone throw up right behind us in the broadway Mary Poppins. It was a treat let me tell you. The smell was delicious and my daughter Kiley was freaking cause it was all over her hair and coat. Beware of sick unsettled stomachs.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

This was great! And now I have faces to go with the names.

I had so much fun with you guys. You are so pretty and elegant. Jenn is so cool and funky. Your mom is so friendly and generous. And I'm so glad you guys accepted me even though I turned out to be a 50 year old pervy guy that lives in my mom's basement. You were really so sweet and understanding about that. You even let me come to dinner. Ma's happy I got out of the basement...for once.

Lorie said...

Sounds like a fun trip! There is nothing like taking the Subway alone, getting stopped for some unknown reason and getting a text message from your husband that says, don't take the subway, terror threat.