Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Sugar, spice (water, fat, muscles, bones) and everything nice.

What am I made of?

This morning I decided I really needed a body fat analyzing scale, and I needed it immediately. I wanted to know how much fat I'm toting about even more than I wanted clean underpants (today is laundry day). So I loaded up Sam and Tommy and went to Target, where I located a Taylor 5593 scale on clearance for only $15.00. "Bag it up, lady. I'm taking it home!" I announced to the check-out clerk. Only, the lady didn't hear me. I saw the sign that said she was hard of hearing after I'd already performed my short monologue. Then, there was an awkward silence. Well, awkward for me, anyway.

Maybe it was good she didn't hear me, because I wasn't being totally honest. Before I went home, I had to pick up the kids (it was a half day), and stop by In-n-out for some burgers, shakes and fries with Jake and Todd. I wanted to enjoy my greasy lunch in an Eden-like state of innocence, kind of like taking one last lap around the garden before before partaking of the fruit and stepping on the fat scale. After I got on, I'd KNOW. I'd be responsible for the knowledge. This analogy isn't working very well, is it? Maybe if the burger could be the fruit? Or maybe somehow I could incorporate the pink spread I put on my fries? No, no. It is getting worse...I'll stop.

So, back at home we unwrap our new toy and start her up. This scale is cheap entertainment, people. For 15 bucks my kids and I have spent a happy afternoon weighing, measuring, and trying to trick the scale by standing on one foot, alternately peeing and drinking (it also measures your percentage of water), and telling it we are 90 years old or extreme athletes. We also washed our feet and left them a little damp for potentially better results from the electrical impulse the Taylor 5593 shoots in one foot and out the other. It doesn't sound entirely safe, which is half the fun, of course. We are all thrill-seekers over here. Especially when it comes to our bathroom scales.

So, how did I do? How much of me is blubber? Well, I'll share a lot on my blog, but there are some things a lady needs to keep to herself, don't you think? To keep the bloggy mystery and romance alive? Yes, I think so. Let's just say I'm not at all horrified by the result. My first thought as I saw the result was "maybe I shoulda had the Double Double!," but then again, I've never been much of an overachiever. I'm 57 percent water, including those 2 diet cokes, which were totally necessary to wash down the fries. 57% sounds okay, I think. Or maybe I'm terribly dehydrated, and one of you will tell me. That would be humiliating.

Now, I think I'll make the kids all go clean their rooms so I can be alone with the new scale and try it out in the buff ! (All in the name of accuracy and scientific method. Directions say it works best when you're nudie).

I've said a bit too much? Yes, perhaps.

After that, though, I'll do some laundry. I promise I will.


deana said...

Kelly you are so stinkin' hilarious! I'm glad you visited my blog because I read yours the other night until 12:30am laughing my butt off! It was like a good book that you don't want to put down.Ryan and I are thinking you need to write a book! Keep posting girl because I love love love it!
Oh, and your last post made me crave dorititos which I had to go buy today.

Gini said...

Dang!!! I knew I missed something when I saw Jake bring that In-N-Out cup back to the office. I had 1/2 a jelly sandwich on stale bread, and some oyster crackers left over from Molly's wedding. Next time let me know!!!

Heather said...

Love your blog Kelly. You have a way of writing, I love it! I agree with Deana!! You have a way with words that makes us want to read more!

Pam said...

Stepping on a scale that is brave. I am pretty sure the scale I have is broken it never seems to change and I know for sure I can't be that big. So it has to be broken, right?
Your scale sounds so fancy maybe it could help you with your laundry problem as well.
I concur with Deana and Heather and I always tell you that you could right a book your blogs really are that famous and entertaining.

Jolene said...

I have been wanting one of those scales! You got a screaming deal on it! My niece has one that we use for our weekly weigh ins and I feel a little bit like a contestant on the Biggest Loser. You step on and the numbers keep going up and down while you wait anxiously for it to settle on one number! I am so impressed with your high water number!

I haven't gone to the gym yet. I am still working up my nerve! Pam and I are thinking that we will go over there on Monday.

Jill said...

You crack me up! You writing and sense of humor are classic and funny. I am glad you are bonding with your scale. It is a love/hate relationship. At least it is for me.

Jill said...

Okay, I see a typing error in my last entry. I was trying to say, "your sense of humor"

Kelly said...

You guys are gonna give me a big head. Maybe it will create an optical illusion that will make my rear look smaller?

Jill, I can't get on your blog anymore? Can I be invited?

Fat & Sassy said...

Kelly, I came across your blog somehow, I am not even sure how I got here...I just wanted to say hi! I teach at Noah Webster and know your family from there. Plus, I think that it is your dad who my D.H. Phillip knows, well anyway, just wanted to say hi. Please come by mine and leave a comment. Kayola Skinner

Fat & Sassy said...

Kelly, I'm still here... I continued reading your blog, you are stinkin' hilarious! Please tell Jen, Jack and Will HELLOOOOOO for me, I just L♥VE THEM!

Shellie said...

okay I'm jealous of this new scale. My scale just says my weight. Also I'm jealous you live by an in-n-out!

I just wanted to write a quick note cuz I found your blog and enjoyed it.