How my Pringles and I celebrate the 5th of July

As you probably already know, it is bad manners to not eat anything on major holidays. Especially if you talk about not eating anything, or give eaters the hairy eyeball for their caloric intake. People will notice you are not eating, and it might make them a little uncomfortable as they stuff their faces in celebration. You do not want to cause anyone discomfort. It is not genteel. So, if it's Christmas, drink your egg nog. Eat a little fudge. If it is Thanksgiving, do not ask your Grandma to make you your very own green beans without the crunchy onions on top. She is old, and doesn't have time for that. Oh! And eat your pie. The crust, too. And don't whine that there isn't any diet cool whip. Only ask for a recipe if you really want to duplicate it at home, and not because you are searching for hidden fat deposits.

I'm not saying you need to stuff you face for Arbor Day; that is totally unnecessary. Don't even try to make a case for it, unless your dad is Johnny Appleseed or Al Gore or something. And it shouldn't really have to be said, but Canadian Thanksgiving only counts if you are Canadian. If your passport says USA, politeness cannot be your excuse for going to the Canadian Super Buffet on the second Monday in October. If such a place exists. Is just run-of-the-mill gorging, and not the mannerly gorging of the well-bred. And of course, if you are abstaining due to diabetes, lactose intolerance, or being a Jehovah's Witness who cannot celebrate these holidays, you have a valid out.

So, in an effort to be courteous and polite to my co-celebrants, I had myself an Independence Day feast. Those Declaration signers deserve this much, at least. I mean, once the ink was dry on that auspicious document, those guys were pretty much toast if they lost the war. Before that, they were disgruntled, skirmishing colonists, who might not have known better. But a new country? Treason. They'd be strung up for sure, once they lost the war. And it totally looked like they would, obviously. And then, I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone who hasn't seen the movie, but they WON! That sort of bravery and great good luck, coupled with divine intervention, deserves a celebratory hamburger with all the trimmings, in my book. I even bought myself a can of Pringles to go along.

Instead of regular Pringles, though, I bought the NO FAT ones. Then, on the 5th of July, when I have no excuse at all for indulgence (not being sociable, not a real holiday) I ate the whole can. Then I read the fine print. There is FAKE FAT in there. OLEAN. Which can cause some fearful intestinal difficulties. I won't go into this further, because not one of you commented on my circumcision joke last week, so I only can deduce that you all must be a bit prudy. Which is cool. I don't want to offend your delicate lady-like sensibilities with potentially leaking diarrhea.

Sorry. I did it, anyway. I really felt like saying leaking diarrhea. Which sounds much worse than the regular kind, you know? But luck was with me. I won the olean lottery! I didn't get any LD. I mean, seriously, who else would get the LD, except the girl who eats the whole can while reading her mediocre novel, Double Bind? I will not push my luck, though. I should have bought the regular chips in the first place, in celebration of my freedom. I was breaking my own rules. No more Olean for me.

Still, I refuse to feel bad about my little Pringles slip-up. The 5th of July must be an important holiday, too, right? Those Declaration signers probably took all their wives out to Sizzler or somewhere good that day to celebrate their likely impending demise, with gift cards courtesy of the Continental Congress (who had voted for independence on the 2nd of July, but asked Thomas Jefferson to make it official with a fancy document. That took a couple of days, even for TJ.) Maybe they all sat in an enormous booth, that first 5th, sipping cokes and brainstorming the preamble to the Constitution.

No, that can't be right. Gouverneur Morris wrote the preamble, and he didn't sign the Declaration, so he wouldn't have been invited to the Sizzler party.

His brother, Lewis, was there. Maybe he took notes.

The primary sources are unclear on food and beverage preferences of the founding fathers, but I think they were a well-mannered crowd, and celebrating a major event, so they probably splurged that night and ate the real Pringles with their burgers.

'Cause Sizzler probably served Pringles in 1776.