Thursday, July 31, 2008

My Sweet, Sweet Moves are Going Private; or, Loose Hips Sink Ships

I'm gonna tell you, with some immodesty, that I am pretty good at yoga for how much time I've spent actually doing yoga. Which is like none, compared to most middle class white ladies. (Or at least, that guy thinks so, and he put it in a book, which we have sitting by our toilet.)

Let me reiterate: I did not say that I was actually good at yoga.

You see, as Phoebe of yore, I'm very bendy. Extra flexible, for a no-spring-chicken-of-a-pear-shaped-white-lady-who-has-birthed-4-children. I'm NOT bendy like that guy in Oceans 11. So really, I'm more like medium bendy, if you are comparing mine with all the bendiness in the whole world.

How bendy am I? Well, even when I sit on the couch and eat Cheetos for like 6 months straight, I can get right up off the couch and do this:

And from there, I can lean forward, rest my chest on my feet, put my head on the floor, and cat nap, er, meditate (on world affairs, or whatever I'm supposed to be thinking about when really I'm just lying on the floor, wondering what sort of havoc Sam is wreaking in the gym's Kidszone), if I so desire. I can even put my legs behind my head (only one at a time, though, and it isn't as comfortable as it looks.) On the sit and reach test in my freshman aerobics class, I pretty much wiped the floor with all those Arizona Wildcat Cheerleaders. In full honesty, though, I might have been helped, in that case, by my creepily long, ape-like arms.

You see, I have some crazy loose hip joints. Among other things. I'm mildly surprised my legs don't fall right outta their sockets. I'm sort of lifted up in the pride of my heart over them, if you want the truth. (And that's not the righteous kind, you know.)

Actually, this whole post is really an excuse to let you all know how extra-bendy-awesome I am, but in a mildly self-deprecating, and thus potentially palatable, way.

Last night, though, in my Body Flow class, when the teacher told us we could move from bridge pose:

into this pose, apparently called chakrasana:

I realized something. (Maybe the meditation is paying off, cause I had a tiny little epiphany.)

I might be too old to try out potentially crazy stuff in public. You know how they warn you "don't try this at home"? Well, this is poor advice when it comes to crazy yoga poses. I totally should try them at home.

After all, I'm closer to 40 than 30, ever since last week.

Now don't get the wrong idea. I chakrasana-ed, alrighty. I held that pose a good long time, too. I pretty much dominated it.

Mostly because once I got up there, I was afraid to come down.

When I finally did, I bonked my head, right good, on the wood floor (that is covered in other people's sweat and shoe-bottom germs, and likely worse. If you just don't think about it, it should be easy to ignore things that are microscopic. It worked with the plague, small pox, and cholera. Oh, and ecoli. What? Okay, maybe it didn't work). I also pulled something out in my shoulder on the way down. Something, there in my shoulder, that is necessary for being able to lift my arm up and down. Which I enjoy doing, even more that I enjoy the chakrasana.

See, the thing is, I'm not especially bendy in my arms. And I guess moving the Cheetos from the bag to my mouth hasn't made them especially strong, neithuh.

I'm not giving up, though. I'm totally going to keep on keepin' on with the tough, contortionist-type poses. I'm just going temporarily private with any new, sweet yoga moves I want to try.

You know, like some of you people do. People that say you are my friends, but have private blogs that I cannot view. Curse you, private bloggers.

Okay, no curse you. Is sort of mean to curse you. Is not good for my chi.

Wait, that's not yoga...Anyhow...

what, you ask, sort of sweet move will I tackle next?


I'm not really that far off, you know.

I'll let you know when it's ready for the public.

To reiterate: Only my crazy yoga moves are going private; as in, I'm no longer doing them in Body Flow class because I'm injuring myself. Blog is still 100% public, and will be, forevermore. I love your comments!

P.S. If you are visiting my blog because you are looking for new and bendy characters to cast in Oceans 14 (because you really need new characters. Everyone is so tired of looking at Matt, Brad and George all the time), call me. I'm interested.


Kari said...

Oh, how I wish that I was the bendy-type. I'm not bendy at all. My hips are locked solid. And it makes yoga all kinds of tough. Perhaps if I'd pushed my children out of my own body, requiring my hips to dislocate, I could get into those enviable poses.
Alrighty then--I've got a whole new purpose for looking into fertility. It's all about the yoga, man.

Natalie said...

I've always been proud of my flexibility too! Ever since my
1st grade P.E. teacher told me I was very flexible and I beemed with bendy pride. :)

Alyson said...

Didn't you hear? 40 is the new 20. So you're practically a teenager, you spring chicken, you!

COMcewens said...

Well, I can not bend like that!! Well, when I try and bend like that I hear crack crack crack... I am jealous!

alyssa said...

That quote from Phoebe is one of my faves. And I must say I'm also getting tired of looking at George and Matt and Brad all the time. I think your stick yoga people are super sexy.

And I just adore the way you write!! So very clever. Bonking your head on the wood floor made me choke on my Crispix.

p.s. I can't tell if you're going private temporarily or what, but if so, can I get an invite? If you're going to post lots of family stuff with pix and you think I'm a creepy 58-year-old man, you don't have to. I understand.

Or maybe you're just not going to blog about yoga anymore. I can't tell. I'm sorry. I'm not running on all cylinders here.

Becky said...

Ah, the enviable bendiness. Well... I can contort myself in such a way that I simultaneously change the youngest's diaper while preventing the oldest from climbing up the entertainment set and falling to his death. Do I qualify for bendy status or is that just the norm for motherhood?

Beeswax said...

No, no. Blog not going private! Just crazy moves! And I forget Brad! Have fixed horrible mistake.

Jolene said...

The last time I was in Body Flow with Rob (he is way to big and muscular to teach that class) I am pretty sure I dislocated my hip. It hurt really bad and the room started spinning and I might have actually blacked out for a second. I couldn't move for a few good minutes and he kept looking at me weird from the little stage. I haven't gone back.

Lizzie said...

Jolene, you should come to my Aqua Dynamics Class! It's Fun!!!

and Kelly, I read this post on my cell at work and I was laughing out loud and then I had to text jane to see if she read it yet. again...way to go

jt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
One Sassy Mama said...

A couple of years ago, I tried yoga in the morning--down in the deep recesses of my basement--before anyone was awake--with some PBS lady. I'm pretty sure that's why every once in a while I get a sharp pain in my neck--to remind me to never try it again. Love your stick figures--hilar.

Beeswax said...

Liz, do you teach that class? What time is it?

Jolene, I'm so sorry about your experience. I actually enjoyed Rob because he isn't very good at yoga, being all muscle-bound and all.

Sorry, Kari, I was flexible before birthing the kids. I think your way is easier on the hips, although, is there any easy way to get kids?

Natalie, we should get bendy pride t shirts.

Alyson, 40 is the new 20? Good, this is quite timely news. Does that mean I'm not old enough to drive?

Comcewens, when I heard the crack, I didn't stop. That was my first mistake!

Becky, truly advanced yoga. You should get t shirts with me and natalie.

sarinahbrooks said...

Oh my, I have so done that (in previous, lacking some of myself in weight years). I about knocked myself out cold when I came down and you could have heard my head whack if not for the sensual relaxation music. Though, others did tell me they heard my whack of the noggin in between the beautiful music. UGH. Been there!

Corrie said...

I really enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for being public with it!

Shanana said...

Random lurker here (and not a very bendy one, at that)... and sorry, but not one looking to replace the wierd Chinese dude in the next ensemble cast of Ocean's 42 or whatever they're up to now.

Just wanted to comment on how much I have enjoyed your posts. Very entertaining!

Denise said...

Okay, so when I read the title of this post, my heart sank. I thought you were making your blog private, and it is one of my faves. Sweet relief, I can keep blog-stalking you!

:) One of your fan!

Kritta22 said...

Hello! I found you through LDS Bloggers.
You are so funny! I love it! I wish I was bendy like you. My fingers are bendy but that doesn't help with yoga moves! :)

Jami said...

I am very impressed with your bendiness and amused by your post.

I can, um, reach my feet one at a time if I cross my legs. I am sort of brittle, actually. So I keep my stretching private simply to avoid being laughed out of the gym.

Frumpy Luv said...

Whew - what a relief, so worried about the "private" word in there!!!! I am totally jealous of this talent or whatever you'd call it!! I am the opposite - but happy for you and all the ver cool moves!

kitchenditcher said...

Dear Gumby, I mean Beeswax,
Seriously, are the positions in yoga the way our bodies are supposed to be subjected to? I don't THINK so!! lol At least NOT MINE! So until I see yoga stated as a requirement in the Word of Wisdom, I am going to refrain from such torture and continue living in my psychotic state of denial.

"You need to exercise"
"No I don't!"
"Yes you do"

See what I mean..............

Heidi Ashworth said...

You are a total crack-up! Keep up the good bloggin!

Lisa said...

Hilarious, you are. I wish I could Bend It Like Beeswax! And what EVER took me so long to find you? I believe it's about time for me to go back through your archives for some laughs!

cally said...

okay, i must address the freakishly long arms. My sister has 'em. She accidentally on purpose saw a Discovery Channel special about it...yeah, an acutal human mutation called The Ape Index.

We prefer the term "appendagely blessed" over "mutant". She appreciates it.