Monday, September 08, 2008

RED: The OTHER white wheat

One day my Dad overheard some Native American fellas on the reservation (my Dad served in the Northern Indian Mission, in Montana and North Dakota) talking about how they liked the "red kind." They were referring to red wine, which they sometimes preferred over beer, which could be more expensive and lower alcohol.

Nowadays, when my Dad talks about "red kind," in the short, staccato syllables of his Navajo accent, he is talking about strawberry pop. Yum, strawberry pop! Only thing better than the red kind? The purple kind.

Today, I speak of yet another sort:
Wheat. The red kind!

So, you know how everybody is always like, "So you got some wheat? Sure you did. But is it WHITE WHEAT?"

And by everybody, I mean, some ladies in your ward who ask you about wheat because you used to be the Food Storage Lady? (And I also mean me, cause I totally bought the party rhetoric about white wheat superiority). And also, by always, I mean, like, a few times, but really, less often than before, less than when you were the Food Storage Lady. Cause now you are a Primary Lady, and who wants to chat up their Primary ladies about wheat? What do they know?

Nothin'. That's what.

Well, that's nearly true, I'll freely admit.

But whatever, cause you and I both know that all the cool kids wear Guess Jeans with the little zippers at the ankles, side ponytails, and only buy their wheat WHITE.

You know this isn't about skin color, right? It isn't a Cowboys and Indians thing. It's what's inside that counts, of course. And white wheat's got a little more gluten inside than red.

So, because of that, you can't buy RED wheat and show your face at Enrichment Night. (Yes, you can. But it is so 1950. And not in a cool, vintage sorta way). Red is the red-headed step-child of wheat. It is only good for hiding in the closet for 30 years. You couldn't possibly EAT it. And if you've got a closet full of RED wheat, then that means you don't know a single thing about making delicious whole wheat concoctions. Cause if you did make said concoctions, you'd use WHITE for them.

That's just how it's done, in 2008. By all the cool wheat girls. And they will say to you: "It is really super sad how your family will suffer, gagging down their second class wheat, when a big emergency comes. If you have livestock, chickens and cows might eat your crappy red stuff. But who has livestock? Not us cool girls. An alternate use might be to give it out to your hungry, entirely wheatless neighbors. Then come on over to our houses, where we'll be livin large on the white stuff."

Now, I will admit that in the past, I did hear some occasional mumbling from the older girls (AARP set), that red might be a bit heavier, but it also had a nice, nutty flavor. I totally ignored them, because what do wise, older women ever know about anything?

Nothin'. Or something like that.

But then I went all crazy and made some some bread outta RED wheat. And it was good. And my kids liked it BETTER than the white wheat bread.

And then, the Whole Wheat World shifted on its axis. Because everything I'd ever been told about wheat was a LIE.

Okay, not everything. Just the part about red wheat being worthless and tasting horrid. That part was a LIE!

(What? I'm being melodramatic? But I'm writing about wheat, so I need to act very excited and thrilled, or you might fall asleep. Is distinct possibility.)

So then I went to Costco this morning and bought 6 buckets of red wheat, which they are practically GIVING away (may be clearing them out, not sure) for $21 for a 45 lb. bucket. (They used to be $27. And $27 was a good deal. I bought 3 of the white wheat $27 dollar ones. Before the red wheat epiphany. But I still like white, too. Is my first love, o'course. My heart is big enough for both sorts. And soft wheat, too, even. But that is another post. Don't get so excited.)

Also, the cannery doesn't have any white wheat right now, but they DO have red. So you can get it there, if you want cans. If buckets seem declasse to you.

Or maybe hoarding food seems declasse to you? And you don't think there is any such thing as the cool wheat clique?

You could be right. It is possible, of course.

But if you hoity-toity wheat snobs are really out there, I call on all you cool cat bread-bakin' ladies to reconsider your stand on poor, misunderstood RED. What did he ever do to you? Have you ever given him a proper chance? Add a little gluten to your recipe and give him a shot at the big time. Or mix him in with your white.

Give wheat* a chance.

*The red kind.

28 comments:

Heidi said...

Wow. I really never knew anyone could get so passionate about wheat, in all its varieties. Seriously, wow.

Alyson said...

I'm embarrased to say, as a life-long mormon and a mother for the last 11 years years, but I didn't even know there was a red. I'm such an ignoramus about all this stuff!

I was totally rocking the guess jeans with side zippers in 6th grade. Yes, I was all that.

cookingsherri said...

I am so the AARP lady in the ward. There is WHITE wheat? They sell wheat at Costco? In what department? This is really exciting news. I don't know if I am going to be able to sleep tonight. Now you have turned my happy little wheat world upside down. I don't know what to do with this. You must have been one incredible Food Storage lady.

Lorie said...

Only you could make a post about wheat entertaining!

Valerie said...

You are such a riot. Sadly, as I have been educated (mostly by yourself and Marilyn) that red wheat is something to sniff at, too. Perhaps I will throw some red wheat in the mix, too.

Even if it is to give to my neighbors, lol!!

Kellie Buckner said...

I recently found your blog and it is hilarious! You are a great writer. I realized after reading your blog, we don't even have any wheat, so I guess I can go out to Costco tomorrow and check it out. . . .

cally said...

I'm not trying to be an -ist word like racist but it's not about race here so it's a totally different -ist word, not sure...

but i love the red. white gets all up in my face & huffy puffy about the nutty stuff. I like nutty.

Power to the people.

laura gunn said...

This is so ironic. First of all we just came upstairs form the basement (I know that word makes all AZ Mormons green with envy) where we were placing over 100 cans of tomatoes on my nifty tilted shelves that Dave just built. (more envy) Plus, I JUST picked up some red wheat so I could try it out, like last week. This a seriously weird coincidence, eh.

Leslie said...

I'm totally speechless...

Eric and Breanna Graham said...

Soooo what do ya say to a mini class on wheat ex-food storage lady??? When you share this kind of knowledge on wheat, you can't expect an enrichment counselor to just read and be on my way. I have now filed away said knowledge about wheat and may be contacting you in the not so distant future. Now I'm hoping you will teach this mini class in your skinny Guess jeans with the zipper at the ankle, while the hair is done in the side pony tail. I think it could add just the right touch. Because I believe you are a wheat snob; with all your wheat know how.

Beeswax said...

I did a wheat class about a year ago. But I haven't done a bread class. I could do that...

And...I try not to let the Food Storage Lady out very often. She is even nerdier than Beeswax. Kelly is a many-faceted creature.

Kellie Buckner said...

Cast the Book is an idea I had for a group blog a few weeks ago. I'm still working on getting it started since I really have no idea how to get a group blog going. The basic idea is to think of great books and who you would want to star in the movie if one was to be made. Or, take an old movie (that is a book also) and write about who should be in the remake. I thought it sounded fun. My husband just rolls his eyes, though. If you want to join up, let me know. I'd love to have you. Thanks for coming over to see my blog!

Heidi Ashworth said...

You are so funny and I learned something new (have no idea what color my wheat is but I guess I had best find out) too!

McEwens said...

I didnt even KNOW there was different kinds of WHEAT!! Mine is probably sprouted it has been in storage so long!!!

C.E. Salima said...

That was so cute, true, and very cute. I had a grin on my face the whole time I was reading it. I have 100 pounds of red wheat sitting in my kitchen to be poured into the white buckets I'm buying at Wal-mart later today. Costco, huh. Yeah, I'll be making trip there.

Just wanted you to know that I've linked you to one of my new blogs Mormon Bloggers Speak Out.

The purpose of this blog is to share with the world what Mormons are like in our many facets. What we believe, what we do, how we play, what we do for fun, our thoughts on family, Church, Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, life, standing for truth and righteousness, missionary work, doctrine, our countries, etc. Hope you don't mind.

Carol said...

I had zero clue there was so much to say about wheat. I didn't even know there were red and white varieties.

I must have been dwelling under a rock or not listening when we have what education at church.

But now I can't stop thinking about strawberry pop. Thanks!

the hot'ns said...

My hands start to sweat and my heart races a little bit when someone talks about wheat. The guilt really sets in when I realize that I have never even purchased any wheat. I'm a bad Mormon.

Fake Jodi Foster

Kari said...

You is such funny lady. I laugh. Out loud. And then forward you funny post to my white wheat sistas.

Jolene said...

I just wanted to bear my testimony about the deliciousness of your mixed wheat bread. Mmmmm... it really was delicious. (having Kelly B wheat bread toast with butter and orange blossom honey day dream right now)

wonder woman said...

I've been under the same rock as half your commenters who've never even heard of red wheat.

And it sounds like it'd be good for people who are allergic to gluten.

--That's a really weird thing for me to say, but it's what popped into my little head.

You are a clever lady, Ms. Beeswax. I love the way you write. If you ever write a book, will you sign my copy?

sarinahbrooks said...

Love the red and white. No special favoritisms (if that is even a word) here! Love em both. Especially if you go to Shars Kitchen and get the low down on how to make the light and good for you bread. Who would of thought bread to be good for you?!!! My Mom made bread she dipped in milk to choke down because it was so dry. Not after a Bosch purchase and a lesson from Baking Queen Shar - my bread is good and gone fast whenever I make it!

Shanana said...

Hey! It's the ingrate here..
;-)

Just wanted to make sure you saw my post proclaiming my absolute love for my new purse! It has become my new best friend. Shellie's picture would look great in the front pocket of that bad boy!

http://vancleaves.blogspot.com/2008/09/im-winner.html

JustRandi said...

I have recently noticed this discrepancy in the whole red/white thing in my ward! I even succumbed to the pressure and bought a 40 lb bucket of white to run with the "in" crowd.
Does it matter that I don't have a wheat grinder and have not used wheat of any variety in at least 3 years?

Shellie said...

do you need a wheat grinder to buy wheat like that? and how much does a wheat grinder cost.

Jaime Theler said...

I loved your passion, your zeal! Alas, I am ashamed to admit that I am a total wheat nerd. I don't even know that I own any white wheat. And, yes, I cook with the red stuff. (ducking to avoid rotten tomatoes that may be thrown my direction). But then, I've been in Primary for 10 years so apparently I don't know a lot about food storage :) Over on my blog you can find out about a contest to get a free copy of my latest book if you're interested. It's free.... The food storage lady can't beat that :)

Pam said...

You are so the Master of wheat to me. I bow down to your infinite knowledge of all that is wheat. And I have tasted your bread so I know for a fact you are worthy of the title.

I will have to give red a chance after your inspiring words. Go Wheat! And just to let you know even though you are the Primary Lady now you will always be the Food Storage Lady to me.

The Fear Fam said...

Haha! Awesome. I only have red wheat in my food storage and haven't had any problems with it. And yes, I do use it (sometimes). But I usually half whole wheat with all-purpose anyway, so ... there you go. I'm glad I didn't realize how behind-the-times I was!

Thanks for the chuckle.

Rebecca said...

Thanks for the laugh! For all those looking for red white now, you can also get it at

http://www.shelfreliance.com/product/view/p24