RED: The OTHER white wheat

One day my Dad overheard some Native American fellas on the reservation (my Dad served in the Northern Indian Mission, in Montana and North Dakota) talking about how they liked the "red kind." They were referring to red wine, which they sometimes preferred over beer, which could be more expensive and lower alcohol.

Nowadays, when my Dad talks about "red kind," in the short, staccato syllables of his Navajo accent, he is talking about strawberry pop. Yum, strawberry pop! Only thing better than the red kind? The purple kind.

Today, I speak of yet another sort:
Wheat. The red kind!

So, you know how everybody is always like, "So you got some wheat? Sure you did. But is it WHITE WHEAT?"

And by everybody, I mean, some ladies in your ward who ask you about wheat because you used to be the Food Storage Lady? (And I also mean me, cause I totally bought the party rhetoric about white wheat superiority). And also, by always, I mean, like, a few times, but really, less often than before, less than when you were the Food Storage Lady. Cause now you are a Primary Lady, and who wants to chat up their Primary ladies about wheat? What do they know?

Nothin'. That's what.

Well, that's nearly true, I'll freely admit.

But whatever, cause you and I both know that all the cool kids wear Guess Jeans with the little zippers at the ankles, side ponytails, and only buy their wheat WHITE.

You know this isn't about skin color, right? It isn't a Cowboys and Indians thing. It's what's inside that counts, of course. And white wheat's got a little more gluten inside than red.

So, because of that, you can't buy RED wheat and show your face at Enrichment Night. (Yes, you can. But it is so 1950. And not in a cool, vintage sorta way). Red is the red-headed step-child of wheat. It is only good for hiding in the closet for 30 years. You couldn't possibly EAT it. And if you've got a closet full of RED wheat, then that means you don't know a single thing about making delicious whole wheat concoctions. Cause if you did make said concoctions, you'd use WHITE for them.

That's just how it's done, in 2008. By all the cool wheat girls. And they will say to you: "It is really super sad how your family will suffer, gagging down their second class wheat, when a big emergency comes. If you have livestock, chickens and cows might eat your crappy red stuff. But who has livestock? Not us cool girls. An alternate use might be to give it out to your hungry, entirely wheatless neighbors. Then come on over to our houses, where we'll be livin large on the white stuff."

Now, I will admit that in the past, I did hear some occasional mumbling from the older girls (AARP set), that red might be a bit heavier, but it also had a nice, nutty flavor. I totally ignored them, because what do wise, older women ever know about anything?

Nothin'. Or something like that.

But then I went all crazy and made some some bread outta RED wheat. And it was good. And my kids liked it BETTER than the white wheat bread.

And then, the Whole Wheat World shifted on its axis. Because everything I'd ever been told about wheat was a LIE.

Okay, not everything. Just the part about red wheat being worthless and tasting horrid. That part was a LIE!

(What? I'm being melodramatic? But I'm writing about wheat, so I need to act very excited and thrilled, or you might fall asleep. Is distinct possibility.)

So then I went to Costco this morning and bought 6 buckets of red wheat, which they are practically GIVING away (may be clearing them out, not sure) for $21 for a 45 lb. bucket. (They used to be $27. And $27 was a good deal. I bought 3 of the white wheat $27 dollar ones. Before the red wheat epiphany. But I still like white, too. Is my first love, o'course. My heart is big enough for both sorts. And soft wheat, too, even. But that is another post. Don't get so excited.)

Also, the cannery doesn't have any white wheat right now, but they DO have red. So you can get it there, if you want cans. If buckets seem declasse to you.

Or maybe hoarding food seems declasse to you? And you don't think there is any such thing as the cool wheat clique?

You could be right. It is possible, of course.

But if you hoity-toity wheat snobs are really out there, I call on all you cool cat bread-bakin' ladies to reconsider your stand on poor, misunderstood RED. What did he ever do to you? Have you ever given him a proper chance? Add a little gluten to your recipe and give him a shot at the big time. Or mix him in with your white.

Give wheat* a chance.

*The red kind.