Friday, September 26, 2008

The schizo blogger: she's me, only blonder

A few people that know me in real life have read my blog and commented:

"Your blog is so fantastic! So funny! So witty!"

(Okay, only a VERY few, but still).

"Ah, golly" I say, looking at the ground, but smiling, real big and toothy.

"But, you know" they continue 
"it just doesn't sound anything like you. At all."

There's the rub. 

That's because that girl who writes the blog? She isn't me. She is cooler than me, and cuter than me, and smarter than me. She's more excited about everything than I am. I'm sort of even-tempered. Not easily excited. Which seems sort of boring. For a blog.

She's also sort of witty.

And me? 

No, I'm not entirely witless.

I'm more of a half-wit, maybe?

Because I can't come up with pithy come-backs and quippy anecdotes on the fly. 

So maybe I'm just a little slow-witted.

Blog girl talks about cool subjects that make her life sound carefree and fascinating. She only complains about things that seem sort of cool to complain about (oh, poor me! I got too skinny and my pants fell down! That sort of thing). She only gets zits or PMS if it serves her writing purposes. She is only seen in pictures that she chooses you to see. She can spell check everything that comes out of her mouth, and research it on wikipedia, before anybody reads it.

Her name is Beeswax. And she is a lot like me, certainly. But she is also a little bit Elle Woods, because she is smart but ditsy. And zealous. I'm not really so air headed or full of righteous indignation.

Being indignant is fairly exhausting, actually. Kelly cannot sustain indignant very long. If I try to hold a grudge, I need a nap.

Beeswax is also a little bit Bridget Jones, because she likes to be worried about her food intake (real Kelly doesn't much care, she just eats as she likes. And she likes, mind you. Kelly also likes to write about food, so faux worrying about it in words, and feeling fake guilty is a good excuse.) Beeswax, like Bridget, is a little neurotic, and leaves lots of small, unimportant words out of her sentences. Beeswax also wants to be in a movie with Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, like Bridget was. But she doesn't think that's going to happen. Unless this blog really takes off. Beeswax is also a wannabe Brit. Okay, Kelly too, kinda. She'd like dual citizenship. All of us, except Elle. Who is true red, white and blue. Except, the Union jack is also red, white and blue, which could be confusing to Elle, and Beeswax. But not Kelly. She gets it.

Basically, Beeswax is like Kelly, only just a little bit blonder.

So you see, there are lots of us here on my blog. Kelly, Elle, Bridget, Beeswax. Sometimes Elizabeth Bennet pops in for biscuit and tea. 

Maybe on all the blogrolls, I should also be listed under "group blogs"? In the interest of full disclosure? Since we are so crowded over here?

Or maybe, it is really just the two of us. 

Me, and Beeswax. 

I cannot psycho-analyze myself effectively, but you need not fear. 

We might have multiple personalities, but we are all totally harmless.


I wrote this some time ago, but I didn't publish because I was afraid you would think that my blogging pants were on fire. That Beeswax is just a character I play on the internets, like Seriously, So Blessed, only not as good or funny. But then Sue wrote THIS, and I thought, yes, that's it! Like Sue! (Only still maybe not as good or funny).

And since everybody loves Sue, and nobody shunned her even a little bit (that I know of) for her disclosure, she gave me the courage to come out of the blog closet, schizo-blogger-wise-speaking. 

You can fer shur shun me, if you want. But not if it means you no longer leave comments.


Please comment on my schizo blog personality, or yours, if you have one, too. Or if that bores you, talk to me about The Office from last night. How about Kelly's tape worm, eh?


Shellie said...

I am so this too!

I am definatly the cooler version of myself. I love that I can be more dramatic or make fun of things or be sarcastic. I worry when I do a normal post that people will be like... yuck she's boring.

(I totally LOL on this part of your post! "real Kelly doesn't much care, she just eats as she likes. And she likes, mind you.")

I love all of you... Beeswax, Bridget, Elle, E.B. <3

Shellie said...

oh and Kelly... I love Kelly too.

nevadanista said...

My eyes are a little moist from laughing tears. I just decided an hour ago to start a music blog, for one of my other personas, so as to not inflict my musical musings on my regular readers (about 5 I think). My husband says I'm a music pusher, so it's my attempt to push, but only on volunteer pushees. No shunning here. Cyber schizophrenia is awesome!

What was up with Meridith's face on the first two weigh ins? My husband speculates it was part of the story line, but had to edited out for time.

Did anyone notice Michael was goatee-less when he was eating lunch with Holly and Jim, but in the next scene it was back? The goatee looked like someone had placed the bottom of a jar on his face, and colored around it. It was fantastic!

Only The Office could make a marriage proposal at a random gas station in the rain romantic and tear worthy.

Alyson said...

Un-shun - I think we are all a bit schizo in our writing because it's fantasy mixed with reality. It's what we want to expose to the world. Only my other personality isn't as fun as yours; she's more interested in writing travelogues and hoping some local publication will want to publish her experiences as articles about traveling around New England with young kids. And then getting a travel budget to take these trips and write the fascinating articles about. Yes, I live in a fantasy world too!


McEwens said...

ROF, it is so funny, cause there is so much truth here!!!!

I love all your sybillness.....

Lorie said...

I believe that peoples online persona is a little bit of who they would want to be if there were no cares in the world. A little bit of who they were in high school but had to grow out of to be an adult in real life. A little bit of who they were if they were skinnier (okay, maybe not in your case since your pants are falling off) or a little more out going, or a little more something that they wished they were in real life.

And I think it is good. And fun.

And The Office last night was SO GOOD! I squealed when he proposed! And Kelly and the tape worm was sad! Although I did love that Ryan wanted her back and she got to say no!

I could keep talking about The Office...but I will stop now!

Leslie said...

I totally think the blogga persona is different than my real persona. Which is why I did a little "Who do you think I am?" thingy on my blog a while back.

No shunning from me...or else I have to shun myself...or maybe just my bloggie persona...can't decide which...

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Blogging is therapeutic because my "character" is the regular me + the wise me that I should be more often. It helps me remember how I want to be and try harder to act that out in real life.

jt said...

ok, now kelly, i didn't say that as a bad thing. I know both kelly and beeswax, and you know I wouldn't say that as a dig, TO YOUR FACE, or otherwise. Love them both, they are just different, both in good ways...

I like the post you created from it though...

Amy C said...

Ah, you put it all so well! Unfortunately I think I have the opposite problem - I make much more sense in person! I can yap about my thoughts all day long, but I can't articulate them in writing. At least I have a thesaurus!

Hailey said...

I try really hard to make my blog sound just like I talk, but that would be only the way I talk to people I know well because I am shy with strangers and they always ask incredulously, "YOU'RE a stand-up comedian?" To which I reply shyly, "No, not at all, actually..." because that is the truth. (Why does no one know what improv is?)

Becky said...

Yep, count me in with the blog schizos! My blog? It's pretty cool, I like to think. Me in person? I'm not so charismatic. I reeeeeeally suck at small talk. And my stories aren't nearly as funny as when I have time to analyze them before I type them up on the 'ole blog.

ktmay said...

i love true confessions. keepin' it real rocks.
blogging is fun because we can all be part of the "cool girl gang" right?
i am more outgoing on the internet, LOL
it's easier to make friends here.
but i might be FUNNIER in real life because my best jokes come with REALLY ugly facial expressions.
like so ugly my husband will say "don't make that face. have you seen yourself in the mirror when you make that face?"
oh i wish i had a tapeworm.
yeah, i'm that messed up. i'd totally swallow one right now.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Hey, what's wrong with having the opportunity to show your best side to the world? I think it's freakin awesome!

Kellie Buckner said...

I like being schizo. It's definitely more fun that way! I guess then it's kind of weird for me to say I feel like it's the most me part of me on my blog, not the part people see during the day or at Church.

chantal said...

I missed the office. One of the great things about blogging is that you can be whatever you want,or wish you could be,or just be silly and not have to answer to anyone. I love the anonymousness that comes with meeting people in the blogsphere.Keeps it interesting and fun!!

JustRandi said...

What a funny post! I love it and I can relate.
Someone in my ward one time said "hey, I found your blog! I didn't know you were funny!"

Ummm, Ok, thanks. I guess.

I guess I'm not as real on my blog as I think I am...

The Fear Fam said...

I am not bored by your schizo-blog story, in fact I am highly entertained, BUT... I must talk The Office. I just watched it online this morning (at 6 a.m. before the little ones woke up and interrupted me). It. was. awesome. I laughed out loud at Michael & Holly's rap and a hundred other moments. And then, there was Jim & Pam... SO much better than fireworks, I tell ya.

Pam said...

I love Kelly and Beeswax and all of your other alter egos. I don't care who write what I just hope you all keep it coming. Pure entertainment.

The Office was so FUNNY - I loved how they all got on that huge scale like cattle. Very Funny!

wonder woman said...

Reading this made me think of Sue's post. Love that lady. And you.

My blog is still a place for my family to go to see updates on my kids (though they NEVER comment and it drives me CRAZY)so I feel like it can't be me writing and trying to be funny all the time. It's just an outlet for what's going on in my life. I very much want people to know everything about me, even the weird stuff, and love me anyway, so I haven't perpetuated an alter-ego to write on my blog.

Sometimes I want one, though. I'm seriously thinking about starting a secret blog where I can go crazy and write about all the things I can't when my friends and family read it.

Anyway.....I loved the part about the union jack being red white and blue, which might just confuse Elle...I can't remember what you said, but it was clever. I liked it.

Nichole said...

Whenever I need a good laugh I just click on beeswax and you never let me down. You are a crack up seriously! I am thinking both you and Jen must get it from your mom. I love hearing you tell stories in full detail!

nikkicrumpet said...

I think you just described a lot of us in blogland. Except you did it exceptionally well! I love your writing style!

Bee said...

My alter-blog-ego is like me, only with darker hair . . . and she wears glasses!

Very funny post -- and who wouldn't identify, honestly? That's why Internet romances get into trouble . . . 'cause people don't get to edit so much in real life.

cally said...

i seriously get weepy thinking about poor Toby in costa Rica. My husband reminds me it's only tv, but it's not. It's poor Toby.

I get all shy and blushy when someone mentions my blog outside of blog-ville. LIke, shhh, nobody's supposed to know that's me. duh.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Seriously, you are funny, even your Beeswax is funny, for Beeswax, that is. I hope your pants fall off because every woman would like that, too skinny to hold up pants, after all.

Anonymous said...

Although I'm ashamed to admit it, I think my favorite line might have been Angela's "That's how I sleep at night."