Monday, January 05, 2009

It's a secret. Don't tell anybody.

I am going to tell you a story. 
But you can't tell anyone else. 
Because it is a secret.

Okay?
Okay, then.

So, I got some Junior Mints in my stocking. On Christmas morn. From Santa.

I opened those Junior Mints straight away, and ate some for breakfast.

(Junior Mints are very tasty, as you know.)

Then, I put on my jeans. They were quite tight. 

Full of Christmas joy, maybe.

As I bent down to pick up my super cute green Christmas sweater, the button popped clean off my jeans. A cursory search for the button revealed nothing.

I decided to put in my contact lenses and look again.

But first, I would eat this one rogue Junior Mint, that had somehow fallen under the ironing board. 

I picked it up, and as I smacked my lips in anticipation, and brought that Junior Mint right up near my nose, I noticed some things:

First, that I am very seriously nearsighted, and that I should probly get some of that new-fangled laser surgery on my eyeballs.

And also, that thing I'd picked up? It wasn't a Junior Mint. It was my button. You know, the one from my tight pants.

And I'd nearly eaten it.

And then I thought, there is irony here. And some sort of lesson, I'm sure.

Some might call this my 'aha!' moment. An epiphany, maybe. Or perhaps even 'rock-bottom.'

But they would all be wrong.

The only thing I've learned is that the pants feel much more comfy without the offending button.

(Especially while I ate my way up the Vegas Strip, starting with 'Wichcraft and Emeril's at the MGM Grand, to Carnegie Deli at the Mirage, and finally Mesa Grill at Caesar's Palace. MMM. Vegas would be perfect if they got rid of all the pesky gambling, smokers, and other assorted nasty nastiness. More on that later, when I figure out how to get the pictures off my new camera. )


P.S. The button fell under my dresser and I thought it was another Junior Mint. 

So now, I think I should sue Justin Timberlake. 
His jeans are obviously a serious choking hazard.

26 comments:

Barbaloot said...

First things first; get lasik! There's nothing better than waking up in the morning and being able to READ your alarm clock. Or tell the difference between a jr. mint and a button...
Second, what does Justin Timberlake know about jeans?

Beeswax said...

Justin makes the jeans. William Rast brand.

Messy Jess said...

button! button! who's got the button?
that is so funny! and clever. and irony for sure.

kristy said...

Definitely sue Justin Timberlake. He needs a reason to get back in the tabloid limelight.

Sue Q said...

I would sue Las Vegas - I thought whatever happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas. Including a few extra pounds, right?

Dungeon Master said...

I'd sue JT for making low-quality jeans that buttons pop off of!! For the price of those things, they'd better not fall apart at the sight (or ingestion) of a junior mint or two!!!

btw, L O V E jr. mints. and yorks.

wendy said...

Beautifully described --pants full of "Christmas Joy" and all this time I just thought I was getting fat. Nope, just excessive joy. love it, now I think I'll go eat more and be that more joyful. (I am Cally's aunt..fyi)

heather said...

That is the best story ever!!

Melissa Bastow said...

It's when you get to the point where you have to wear pants that don't have buttons (ie. the stretchy kind) that you should put down the Jr Mints.

sarinahbrooks said...

MMM, maybe junior mints should add little candy perils to look like buttons - you may be onto something there! Funny story

One Sassy Mama said...

I won't tell your secret if you won't tell mine. A similar thing to me happened to me just last week involving said Jr Mint and a little round magnet that had fallen off of something...at least YOU didn't put the offending object in your mouth only to discover its magnetic qualities.

R Max said...

I like ice cream for breakfast and my elastic waist old lady jeans don't mind a bit.

Bee said...

I think that sweets should always be consumed first thing in the morning -- just to get the blood sugar going. I am still working my way through the peanut brittle.

You are not at fault; those jeans are. Jean buttons should be unpoppable.

Glad you ate a lot - I mean, had fun - in Las Vegas.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I agree that there is some kind of cosmic force at work here. However, being the purely self centered creature that I am, I am convinced it is all purely for my enjoyment. This would make you merely a cosmic joke, and what's more, MY cosmic joke. I can live with that.

Rebecca Frame (soon to be a Clark-got the diamond(s) to prove it)!! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cally said...

I had muddy buddies for breakfast.

Chocolate chip cookies for lunch.

I wore sweats today.

Jolene said...

I want to know what you ate at those famous Las Vegas restaurants. I like to live vicariously through other peoples dinner experiences.

Jolene said...

p.s. I have a small crush on Tom Colicchio

Shanana said...

I think Jr. Mints ought to be sold as breakfast cereal. It's the perfect food first thing in the morning: energy packed AND minty fresh! You could totally skip brushing your teeth (Shhhh. Don't tell my patients!)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

This story is hilarious. And I think it's so funny that we're always telling our kids not to eat stuff off the floor, but if our chocolate goes floor-bound, even under or behind furniture, we're not resting until it's been found and consumed. p.s. Leave the button off, you'll be happier. :)

LisAway said...

Funny, funny, funny. You're funny and a smart. Junior Mints are one of my pet misses. After Eight mints are available here, but, while delicious, they're just not the same. They don't have that coating of wax and you can't just pop 'em in your mouth, like a button.

Natalie said...

Nothin to be ashamed of...there's nothing better than a Junior mint (except maybe a Senior mint? mmm...intriguing.) I just saw Coldplay on PBS' Austin City Limits. Michael Stipe sings with them! Have you seen it? It's amazing. And I'm feeling like a rock star lately cuz I can actually play many of their songs out of my new piano book. Woo hoo!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Funny story, Kelly! Sue the "pants" off Justin. I'd love to see you on Extra or ET telling your sad tale and seeing shots of you with big sun glasses on, running into court as your lawyer yells, "no comment" to the photogs.

Claire said...

You make me laugh:)

Lorie said...

I so needed that laugh!!

Kellie said...

. . . mmmm . . . junior mints. . . .mmmm. You're so funny!