Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The one where I decide which superhero I am most like while I do the dishes.

First of all, It isn't that I've got so little going on that I HAD to blog about this. Since I last blogged, Jake's sister Liz got married, we found out Ross isn't ADHD and he switched schools, Tommy drank a whole bottle of amoxicillin and I called poison control but they said you can't OD on antibiotics very easily, I read two books about Frenchies (1 bio of Marie Antoinette and 1 WW2 novel), and I broke my very favorite casserole dish that my friend Jon Haight gave us for our wedding. Just so you know.

Secondly, let's be clear. 

I did NOT decide which superhero I would like to be, based on their fab super power prowess which I covet.

Is a totally different thing.

What I  decided was: which superhero is already most like me, the way that I am? Is not semantics. Is different. This involved carefully weighing both personality and physical traits, coupled with my own talents and abilities.

It seems a difficult question, yes?

I know. Is just another way my liberal arts education left me ill-prepared for real-life problems. (I'm totally lying to you. I loved my liberal arts education, and studiously avoided any classes that might have prepared me for earning any money in the working world.)

My first lady-hero choice was fairly obvious:
(Apologies to Wonder Woman. I'm not trying to steal your blogdentity.)

I chose her mostly cause of the big hair. 

Not the boobs. Anymore, anyhow: these boobs I've got are working girls. Course, Linda Carter seems to working hers pretty hard, but in a different way. Is subtle but important difference, which would become perfectly clear if I were to take photos of myself in a red and gold bustier with starry blue granny panties and post them here on the internet for you, but I don't have time for that this morning, as kids have shortened day at school.

In interest of full disclosure, I will admit I used to spend a little time out in the backyard trying to rope that bale of hay with the fake calf head with my brother, a la Wonder Woman's lasso of truth; but the fact is, I was no good at it.

So really, our similarity is all about the hair. Because there were some times in the 90s where my hair was so super big and awesome, it defied gravity. It was very, very gorgeous. I think I had a little crush on it, even. (Too bad I dressed like that and spoiled everything.)

Dear Big Hair,
Golly, I missed you so bad. I'm so glad you are coming back. I've got my hot rollers out again. I'm sensing the universe telling me the time is right. All that flat and wispy yuck that started with Ally McBeal is over now, right? Also, I'm so happy about all the hair accessories that the ladies are wearing nowadays. My sister is even wearing something called a fascinator, which is so large it could almost be a hat. Sometimes they include peacock feathers and netting. They are terribly fascinating to me, but I am afraid to go on Etsy and buy meself one, because I'm 35 and maybe they lose their fascination on ladies over 32? Am not sure. 
Love, Beeswax.

Anyhow, I didn't want to make my superheroine decision based solely on hair. 

It seemed a little superficial.
Not like writing about superheros and big hair, which is totally not.

In the end, it all came down to the thighs.
I mean, was there ever really a question?

Let's look at the facts. Do we share: 

Extreme pear shape? Is like looking in a mirror, when I'm wearing red tights and thigh-high boots while looking in a mirror.

Lots of wild children? Yes. Only, I have MORE! (But no one has set himself on fire, yet.)

EXTREME bendiness? Heck yes, am I bendy. Not only with the yoga, but also I totally beat all the UofA cheerleaders on the sit-and-reach in my freshman PE class by like 6 inches. I'm pretty much a sit-and-reach prodigy. Only, I don't think 35 year olds can be prodigies.

Large, man-sized hands with skinny fingers? Totally!

While it is true that she is sporting a traditional bob haircut, while my hair was supposed to be a 'long bob', (but instead I got 'The Rachel'), I think that Mrs. Incredible is my pick. Is as good as I'm gonna get.

So, which superhero/heroine is YOUR doppelganger? Please name and explain your shared traits. Or not. Whatever. You can talk about big hair or roping dummies or Liz's wedding if you like, too.


jendoop said...

That's funny because I'm Wonder Woman (good thing you didn't choose her too or there'd be a playground fight). Even made a blog post that referred to her just the other day. Now I just need the "save the day" music to be played when I run on the treadmill or drop the kids off at school. Love those grannie panties!

LisAway said...

I'm so glad you posted today because I really needed me some Beeswax tonight! Thanks for that.

I am so jealous of your potentially big hair, though not of the thighs. (what I lack in thighs I make up for in rear though. TMI, I know)

Working girls. The perfect description.

Barbaloot said...

Sometimes do you wear a mask, too? Sadly enough I don't know my superheroes well enough to figure out which one I most like. Whichever one has arguments with herself, a weakness for Reese's PB Cups, a love of Reality TV and a strange desire to commit suicide through marathoning---that's my twin.

wonder woman said...

I know you'd like to think my pick should be obvious, but it is not. In fact, I am only Wonder Woman because my husband HAD to be Superman. And Supergirl is his cousin, not his chick. (Common misconception.)

I think.....this is too hard for me to choose. Is there a quiz on blogthings that will tell me? Or at least a list somewhere? I may return with a real answer.

wonder woman said...

Blogthings says I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I didn't know she was a superheroine.) I suppose it's because we have the same color of skin and hair and are both cool and trendy. I think this is an accurate assessment.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I am whichever superheroine who ends up with Superman as depicted by Tom Welling. Is shallow, I know, but there it is.

Roxie said...

I obviously don't spend enough time washing my dishes. I've never had an epiphany like that!

Roxie said...

As to who my alter ego is - Does Vicki from "Rose is Rose" count?

Hailey said...

I want to be Jean Grey because my hair's red right now and I used to be smart before many pregnancies. Plus, she's just awesome, and I want to be Phoenix some day.

acte gratuit said...

There was a time in my life when I tried to be Wonder Woman (See pics here:

but I couldn't pull it off due to the obvious deficiencies in hair and chest volume. So sad.

So instead, I dream of one day having a different secret identity: Really-Cool-Foreign-Accent-Girl!
I try to copy my Russian Doctor and talk "like theez!" or like the narrator (nuhRAYtoh) of the Harry Potter audio books, but I just can't pull it off.
But one day...

Melanie J said...

Okay, on looks, I for sure would be Mrs. Incredible too. Personality wise? I don't know. But if I had my druthers? She-Ra. That chick is cool.

Claire said...

I just love you. You're freakin' hilarious. If i didn't have kids dripping off of me demanding to be fed right now, i'd be thinking about what kind of superhero i am..

.....pesky kids....

Shellie said...

what is a fascinator? I'm going to go google it!

oh and i love your hair right now but all hot rolled up would be so much more.

Jaime Theler said...

I don't want to seem like I'm copying even though Mrs. Incredible might be who I would pick, so I'll have to think some more about it. What a fabulous thing to mull over while not working on my latest book like I'm supposed to be. Thanks so much for give me more procrastination fodder! And enjoy that big hair.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Very funny, beeswax! :) I'm totally Ms. Incredible, whom my kids call "stretchy mom". In fact, I say all the time to my husband one of my favorite lines from the movie, "Engage, Matt (Bob)!" when I feel like I've got the kids all on my own and I need some HELP. Love her spunk too.

Brett and Shireen said...

What is a fascinator (and do I really want to know)?

I would say I'm more like Wonder Womany, only really short, fat and darker. When I was a kid, in my WW under-roos, I spun around in the backyard like a crazy person, tin foil on my wrists and all. I believe I even had a bright yellow piece of rope from the garage as my lasso. I had great thighs back then.

Blogthings said I would be "a upstanding superhero", whatever that means. It's not even correct English, sort of disappointing.

Fiona said...

hahaha! I am off to check it out!

Eric and Breanna Graham said...

that's funny, I frequently tell my kids I'm not elastagirl. Emry and Summer sit in the back row of the Suburban (and have for years now) but still when something is dropped or when they decide they want a snack, somehow I'm expected to reach back 6ft to grant their every desire. Though sometimes I wish I was elastagirl, so I could reach back and strangle them when the fighting ensues!