Monday, June 01, 2009

Sedona: skip the psychic crystal massage, eat some cactus fries and fudge.

I'm back.


You didn't know I had gone?

Is okay.

I  won't take offense.  (If you leave me comment.)

I went to Sedona. With Jen and Hillary.

To get a psychic crystal massage, have a vortex experience, see what's new at Ye Olde UFO Store, and hit the Angel Wing Sale (that's what the banner said. But seems a cruel treatment of God's messengers. I think PETA should intervene.).

Fine. I didn't do any of that stuff. I was too busy in the fudge shop.

Is a different sort of vortex experience, am pretty sure.

To be clear: Am not talking about the Rocky Mountain Fudge. Is okay in an emergency, but is not a destination. Go to Sedona Fudge Company. Try the chocolate cream cheese fudge, the penuche, and the English toffee. Is better than rubbing power-infused rocks on oneself, but will also grant, is more caloric.

Also ate at the the Cowboy Club, at which I ordered an edible but not delicious pulled pork sandwich. I mostly ignored the sandwich, and focused on the basket of cactus fries. (Napolitas cactus, breaded and fried, with prickly pear dipping sauce.) Really, really good. I'm not lying to you.

The Desert Flour Bakery in Oak Creek isn't kidding around. Everything made on site. Cherry almond bear claws, rugalach in 4 flavors, chocolate cake with layers of chocolate and vanilla mousse. Get whatever you like. It's all good. (Don't ask me how I know this. I won't tell you.)

El Rincon mexican in the Tlaquepaque shopping center (gorgy mediterranean villa style filled with touristy crapola, pricey art and rugs, and more candy (store run by Helga, nice Euro-lady with the hairy pits to prove it). Think Seaport Village in San Diego, only way better. Still, you won't actually buy anything. You can leave your wallet at home. Unless you want Mexican food. Got myself a chicken chimi with green sauce, and was pleasantly surprised at its tastiness, because I had already been turned off by the cardboard chips and pace picante sauce salsa, the old dirty carpet and the smell that reminded me of Chuck E. Cheese. (Jen said I was nutsy). But sometimes the best Mexican is to be had in such establishments.  The sweet corn tamale was also a hit with our crowd.

In our food reconnaissance, we spied the Secret Garden Cafe, a girly breakfast/lunch place of the sort we like, and stopped there on the way out of town. We were not disappointed. A lovely patio table in the dappled 75 degree sun, a chicken salad sandwich, and a "Reubini": Pastrami, kraut, swiss, and Thousand Island on marbled rye, squished flat in the panini style. Man, do I love a good sandwich. I need to get my own panini maker. Maybe for my birthday next month. But I also want a ghd flat iron like Jen's. Is perfect, cause Jake likes to buy me technology gifts, and appliances are like technology. Sometimes Jake will sing to me:

Yes I love technology,
But not as much as you, you see 
But I still love technology 
Always and forever 

I know. Is so romantic. Don't be jealous. 

When we weren't busy chewing things in Sedona, we were getting cat calls from some man trying to drum up business for his little shop on Main Street. First he yelled "Hey, is there a beauty pageant in town?" To which I responded, "Yes, but we left our sashes back at the resort." And then later he threw out: "I seen some pretty girls in pictures, but none up close like this." This seemed pervy, so we didn't respond. But after that we wanted to saunter past, just to see what he would say next. We also got a "Where are you goddesses going?" from a hobo outside the convenience store. 

As if the food and sexual harassment weren't enough for a wonderful holiday, we went to Slide Rock, where Hillary pulled in next to some scary looking boys who were making peanut butter sandwiches with huge murder-weapon-style knives and listening to the Gin Blossoms (nice, but just Hey Jealousy, so is hard to know if they were serious fans). I was too busy to notice the potential danger cause I was busy in the back seat, trying to fix the bottom of my swimsuit, which I had somehow applied backwards. Is not comfortable, people. Here, we all slid 80 feet through Oak Creek on our bellies, whilst trying to keep our Bud Lites above water. Wait, no, that wasn't us. We stuck our toes in the frigid water while posing alluringly on the red boulders, siren-style (only without the singing), giggling evilly as Odysseus/Jason types (our fellow swimmers) crashed on the rocks before us. 

Then, we were off to Jerome, a mountain-perching mining town (1870's), now falling into a lovely, antiquated ruin of the type that makes for delightful bed and breakfasts (the picturesque style is generally considered very romantic), gift shops full of $40 t-shirts tie-dyed in red soil, and pricey art and crafts that I don't, you know, get. We would have stopped for a little bite on the patio at the Haunted Hamburger, but we were still in our damp swimsuits and it had begun to rain. Plus the Hell's Angels-looking bikers everywhere made us jumpy.

Anyhow, now I'm home in Mesa, and back at it.

You know.

Bribing kids to clean out their closets. 

Heading to Wal-Mart to get Ross new glasses (keeps losing them.)

Sharing the last piece of hoarded English Toffee with Jake for breakfast.

Happy Summer.


The Fear Fam said...

Oh how I adore your posts on food!

Welcome back!

Heidi Ashworth said...

How do you stay so hot when you eat so much good food? I might have to send a hitman after you.

Beeswax said...

Oh, Heidi. I'm 10 lbs. heavier than I was this time last summer. The feast is almost over. After California next week, the famine begins.

Jenni said...

What a fun getaway--glad you had fun!

mama-face said...


Brett and Shireen said...

You should write a book about places to eat around here. Seriously. I'd buy it. I'll also keep reading your blog though, and that is free (at least for now) so either way, I'm good.

I'm glad you girls got hit on by a hobo, big boost to the self esteem, regardless of his homeownership status.

Varney Family said...

Welcome back! As I read your post aloud my husband and friend sat cracking up along with me! You have such a great talent with words :) That fudge makes me hungry.

Claire said...

can't you get paid to review people's eating places?

Still... eating fudge all day long is reward enough , i guess..

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. And I am still cracking up about the melting prada.

Beeswax said...

Please, let me know who these people are who will pay me for my unbiased opinions! Will they still pay me if I am also talking about about my backwards swimwear and quoting Napoleon Dynamite? Because I have to be honest.

The truth, she sets me free.

And yes, Heather, the "Prada" purse is much safer with you in Washington. Is too hot here for plastic purses. Is super humiliating when your prada melts.

HELLO my name is Jill said...

the restaurants in sedona are definitely hit and miss but either way you're still shellin out the big bucks! i just remember the waiter at the cowboy club asking if i was all done with my food as he grabbed my plate mid-french-fry dip... uuhhh?? does it matter? guess not!

DianeM said...

I thought I'd return the "favor" and check out your blog too. Any friend of the adorable Emily "acte gratuit" is a friend of mine...and being fellow Zoni's makes it even cooler. I've never been to Sedona (we've only lived here a year) but it's on the list. Maybe we'll bump into each other at the pools this summer.

Mama Nut said...

Sounds like a lot of fun!!!

Renae said...

We love driving through Jerome when coming back from Cottonwood,(unless we've just engorged ourselves at La Casa Bonita. Someone always gets sick w/ the windy roads and cleaning up half digested Mexican food es no bueno) but it always feels like we're going to drive off some cliff or the houses are going to tumble right on top of you. Next time we're skipping Jerome and we'll try the chocolate in Sedona. Thanks for the suggestions.