Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Roach face.

I woke up this morning at 3:48. As I turned my head to look at the clock, I saw a cockroach scurry out of my hair.

I KNOW. Is horrible.

Backlit by the hall light, he looked something like this, as he stared into my sleep-filled eyes:



I was pretty out of it, so instead of screaming, like a normal girl, I flicked the critter out into the darkness.

Then I realized: I just had a cockroach in my hair, and I flicked him, and now he's on the loose somewhere in my room! AHHHH!

Jake noticed all my flailing about, and asked what was up.

I explained. He thought I was having a nightmare about roaches. (Although, he didn't actually say that, and he might deny it now.)

I flipped on the lights to look for the nasty scavenger, who was probably rolling around in the neighbor's dog's fesces just before he climbed into my clean white sheets.

I couldn't find him.

I got back in bed. After I shook out all the bedclothes.

My nerves were taut. 

I heard a small noise.

Jake! I squealed. Did you hear that?

What? He sounded like he was trying to be patient with a crazy person.

I can HEAR the ROACH! I hissed, like I was afraid the roach would hear me talking about him.

I flipped the lights back on, and started checking under the furniture.

Why don't you sleep somewhere else? Jake cooed. Somewhere the bugs aren't, you know, so NOISY?

I ignored his patronizing tone. There! There he is! I exalted.

And he was. Right there. Just behind my headboard. And Jake squished the little fella's shiny red exoskeleton with the kitchen broom. His juicy insides squirted onto the wall.

I felt better after that, but still, I couldn't sleep, so I stayed up reading for two hours, until it was light enough to read without the flashlight. And during that time, I asked myself a hard question:

Why did I wake up when the roach climbed in my hair?

See, I am a heavy sleeper. A cockroach in my hair would not normally wake me.

So the roach? He must have been in my ear. Or on my face.

I totally had a roach on my face.

The end.

p.s. 
When I told my daughter, Jane, about the bug, she said: Mama! Go wash your face!

p.s. again
Jake, you are 100% fired as my exterminator.

38 comments:

Jadyn said...

Holy CRAP!!! Sorry for the language, but that's so rediculously freaky, that I got chills just reading it... a ROACH on your face/in your hair? UGH! You are the bravest woman ever, I wouldn't have been able to climb back into bed... but, then again, you did a pretty good job driving around that snake you cut in half with your car tire when driving me home from babysitting that one night... I still laugh about that. =) So... it's official, you're the bravest lady EVER for not absolutely loosing your sanity after watching a roach crawl out of your hair.

~Jadyn

Lizzie said...

that happened to me a couple weeks ago, although mine was walking up my leg. we think it was a roach, but couldn't tell. Ryan saw it for a second and then we didn't see it again.

blah

One Sassy Mama said...

Ewwwww! Nasty! It seems like whenever we go camping (which is not often--I'm like on the presidential year rotation)--I get something disgusting that crawls across my face. Usually its an earwig. Yuck!

Rachel Sue said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Words cannot express.

Melanie J said...

This happened to me once when I was a teengager but I lived in Louisiana and it was one of those huge, black FLYING cockroaches. It was the grossest thing EVER. Except for the time that I saw a rat run under the foundation right where by bedroom was. That was even grosser.

Kellie said...

EW. That is the grosses thing I've heard in a long time. Nastiness abounds. I grew up in southeast Texas with the flying roaches. Yeah, those are scary.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Roaches are one reason people pay billions and billions to live in California (and there are many more).

Beeswax said...

But Heidi, I grew up in California. We had roaches! My Mom accidently killed like 200 of them with snail bait. Which reminds me. I need to go get some snail bait.

cally said...

GROSS!!

Wayneman said...

Naaaaaaasty!!!! My husband just helped out a neighbor the other day who was squeemishly afraid of killing her own roach (she actually asked him to help her as he was headed to the car). When he squished it, it exploded in his face! He had ROACH GUTS ON HIS FACE!!!! I didn't kiss him for a loooooong time!

Shanana said...

Actually, Wayneman IS my husband. Beeswax...Wayneman. Wayneman...Beeswax.
Now you are properly introduced, and I will be more careful about who's profile I use to leave comments.

Shanana said...

Wow. In retrospect, that comment looks really funny with Wayne's picture saying, "My husband..."

Perhaps I should have just deleted it and started anew. Oh well. That's how I roll.

Cosette said...

*shudder

I tried to think of what I'd do, but veins started bulging out of my forehead so I stopped.

ew

Terresa said...

We had roaches climbing into bed with us when my last child was a newborn (2 yrs ago now).

We co-sleep, so there was my sweet baby, nestled into bed with us, nursing and I'd wake up to see a roach flit past us on the bed!

After the second or third time that happened, along with watching plenty more crawl up our walls and fall off the ceiling (I could *hear* those puppies land, they were that big!), I went bonkers.

I started having night terrors, getting insomnia, etc. All the while, my poor, well-meaning husband was bug-spraying the heck out of yard & home.

Then, we got smart & hired a friend who is a professional bug exterminator. Within a few weeks, guess what?

No more roaches. It was heaven. The best $25/month I've ever spent.

I think the over-the-counter bug sprays my husband was buying @ Home Depot were watered down. Because not only were they were completely ineffective, but they caused me a ton of lost sleep & terror. If only we'd known sooner...

mama-face said...

A true nightmare. Ha-I always wonder where the creature has been before I notice it is on ME.

My husband is from New Mexico and instead of roaches in the bed, you get scorpions. I am never completely rested when we visit.

shuddershudder

Kari said...

Ew.

Mama Nut said...

I HATE roaches! One time my friend had one in her hot chocolate and it actually was in her mouth before she knew it!! AHH, it still gives me the creeps just to think of it!

Jess said...

I have been stung twice by scorpions. Two different times, two different scorpions both unfortunately in my own bed!

Always reminds me of that email that goes around about all the things that happen to people that they think never happens to them. Which includes; the one about how everyone on the planet has eaten a spider in their sleep at least once. I don't know if ite true, it is on the internet after all but still disturbing thought. but it could explain bad morning breath. LOL

My advice? (not that you asked for it) Time for a regular exterminating service! Shudder!!

Jolene said...

K - My brother owns a pest control business. He sprays my house. I had never seen a roach until this year. One crawled out of the drain while Courtney was showering - she was traumatized. I called my brother- he said that roaches that come out of drains [yours probablly did] are the fault of the City of Mesa. They typically treat the sewers and water pipes etc... but are cutting back due to budgeting problems. We all need to call the City and complain.

Jolene said...

Call me if you want my brother's number - he's reasonable.

Melissa Bastow said...

That's really disgusting.

natalie said...

I live here in the deep south where those critters and I fight a daily battle for turf. I would be completely non-functioning if I knew one of them was on me! I would have been in the fetal position in the corner for the rest of the day.

Claire said...

what if it had been there for a long time, and you hadn't noticed it earlier cos you WERE such a heavy sleeper!?

Just a thought. I'm sure that never happened. I'm sure you woke up as soon as it touched you...

corrie said...

We were renting a house while our current house was being built and had some roach issues. One night I was woken up because one fell on my face and ran down my neck. I flipped. I slept sitting up hugging my knees the rest of the night. Those things are just icky.

heather said...

Oh. I wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep either.

jt said...

at least it didn't look like a jr. mint, button.

wonder woman said...

This sounds like an episode or two I've had with mice. Except they weren't crawling on me. Luckily. I think I honestly would've had a heart attack if it actually TOUCHED me.

p.s. didn't you do posts last summer about cockroaches in your sink? This seems vaguely familiar.....

Sinclair said...

As a native of California, I can vouch for the fact that those nasties abound in all apartment complexes. After I first moved out on my own, I have watched HUNDREDS scurry out of cracks in sidewalk as I watered my meager scrap of yard. I have seen them come out of the stovetop burners and the inside of the dishwasher. And the bathtub. And, yes, I have been awakened to one in my bed on my ear. And another on the ceiling. I do not miss those days, and I wholeheartedly feel for you on this one!

Molly said...

The other morning at like 5 I woke up to use the restroom and saw a cockroach crawling so I freaked out and THOUGHT that I smashed him. A few hours later I wake up to hop in the shower and there is that SAME cockroach! They don't DIE. I know how you feel though, we have them a lot at our house too!

Gini said...

OH man.. I am itching all over the place now and probably won't be able to sleep with my new air cast on! I'm sure a roach will be crawling inside my cast when my leg starts to itch. Get some of that stinky RAID to spray on the next one!!

Jaime Theler said...

Eeeeeewwwww! I'm going to go wash my face now. Just in sympathy.

Manders said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I think I would have jumped out of bed and died. Ugh! I have shivers right now just thinking about that! I think I might have to go and wash all my sheets right now. Just in case.

Diamond in the Rough said...

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!!! I make my husband clean the entire room when I find one crazy little spider or earwig. My skin is crawling. I would have gone to stay at my mom's for the rest of the night... I'm a big whimp when it comes to bugs/spiders... anything creepy crawly.

Nichole said...

That is really sick and disgusting I can't stand those critters but I would take one of those 10 to 1 over a scorpion crawling in my bed.

Brett and Shireen said...

Now I'm officially freaked out. We have recently switched from professional exterminator to husband exterminator and I'm not sure I can handle it now after reading your roach story. Are you going to call Jolene's brother?

Rainy Day Farm said...

I have the willies, and I live states away from any sort of cockroach. Yuck!!!!! I am glad you found the little bugger, so he couldn't get back in your hair. Hope you have better luck sleeping now!

Shelley said...

I'm going to say that maybe it wasn't actually a roach...maybe it was like a cricket or beetle or some other buggy but not an actual roach. Does that make you feel better? I hope. When I saw a rat in our palm tree I decided it was a squirrel and I felt much better. Denile is an extremely useful talent. Oh, found you at MMB, FYI.

Banteringblonde said...

OMG I have the chills just reading this. I hate bugs and roaches are icky. blech!